Oh so many friends

I gotta say, doing this shit a second time around, I have a bit more clear of vision.
First time I dealt with this bullshit, I was in a different place. Living in a different place, in a relationship, different perspective on life.
Cancer, shakes you awake, ya? If you were snoozin' on life, coasting through on autopilot, well, what better to give you a swift kick in the ass than a cancer diagnosis?
So, immediately, you start to have this lovey/glowy/shiny everyone is beautiful and i love everyone in my life. and those who I don't love a whole lot in my life...well...i'll just not have them in my life anymore.
As complicated as cancer can be, well it sure makes other things pretty simple. Surround yourself with good people. Cut out b.s. Life is too short. yadda yadda yadda.

Well, this time around, things are different. Different home, no relationship. I have tons of friends. Great, sweet, cool, concerned friends. I have a pretty small and equally concerned family. I have a cool dog...despite being a little bitch everytime it rains. But guess what?
I'm all alone.
None of the above mentioned folk, with the exception of sometimes, the dog, can be there with me all the time.
people can come visit. that's nice. people can text, or call, or email. and that's thoughtful. but when it comes down to it,
I'm all alone.
noone gets to take up residency inside my head next to the myriad of racing thoughts that keep cycling themselves around my head. I wake up alone, I spend good long chunks of the day alone, and at night I go to bed alone.
Which could all be well and good for anyone in a normal position. I hardly think I qualify as being in a normal position anymore.

Apparently some friends assume other friends are keeping me company. I bet people generally assume that at all times of the day I'm surrounded by someone. Of course, we all know what happens when you assume....

Cancer is all mine. It's taken it's place in my life as my one and only. Heh, everyone else can leave me and apparently cancer stays, unperturbed.

Party can end, everyone can go home, and cancer is still right there with me.

He can change his mind, get scared and run away, but cancer is still right there with me.

If there are only two things in life we know for sure, Birth, and Death, I think I just found one more. Cancer is always there.

Chemo Armor

I don't know about you, but when I'M faced with doing more gut-spoiling, angst-inducing, all around general cancer killing juice, I find the need to ramp myself up a bit.
You know, give myself a pep-talk, psych myself out, whatever.
And sometimes, wrapping yourself up in a shield really helps. Somedays, that shield can be a snuggly prayer shawl some lovely ladies who you've never even met knit for you. Other days, it could be a shirt. Bought at a concert. A concert that brought you immense amounts of giggly joy. A shirt that is signed by some folks that did a little gesture and may not know how much it meant to you.

Lets give some backstory. I love to laugh. Despite all my dry deadpan wit and sarcasm, I love goofy things. I would much rather see a comedy than a drama. And we all know (well, maybe we don't but we should) that laughter sure does help get through a tough time. Somethings that make me laugh are the guys from Flight of the Conchords. I cannot accurately express how simply silly they're humor is to me.

They were recently in concert here in Chicago, and longstory short, they have been cemented, hands down in my book, as some of THE best guys in the business (whatever 'business' that is). Me just being a fan, and simply wanting to laugh it up a little, turned into getting REALLY good seats to a sold out show, and even a little meeting afterwards with FOTC themselves. If you know me personally, you've probably heard me gush about how great the whole night was. (but since i've been a bad blogger...internetlandia may not be aware.)

Illustrating my point, let me introduce Jemaine and Bret of Flight of the Conchords:and


Awesome, ya? More than just getting to say Hi, thank you, and an autograph (wow..i've NEVER wanted an autograph from anyone....heh...well, i mean...there was that time, back in 89, at the new kids on the block show...but uuhhh...i digress)

So, when going in for my first cycle of the always popular Folfiri chemo a week ago, I decided I wanted some armor. Something symbolic of...eh...i dunno, NOT cancer? Something that reminded me of much happier things than benadryl and nausea.

Seems the obvious choice was:
(mm-hhmm...yea. thats right.)

When I got that shirt signed, I didn't figure I'd ever actually wear it. Seemed kinda odd to wear some random scribbling. But lo and behold, I got some good use outta it. How pathetic do I look in that picture though? Could I look any LESS like a 28 yr old woman? sheesh.

Anywho. I even got to model my nifty little chemo ipod they gave me to wear home for the next two days (lest I start to miss getting pumped full of chemo at all):Anyway. I've got other things to blog bout. But I really just needed to sing the praises of the Flight of the Conchords. They're definitely the kinda thing that I think I might be into.

(c'mon. I couldn't do an entire post about 'em and not get one little song lyric in there....)

Love you guys!

lets just say

That diarrhea without a colon is a trrriiipp.
Ugh.
I know I should do what I said I was going to and that is keep a better ongoing log of the bullcrap I get to go through. I've just been so exhausted. (ME?!? too exhausted to talk? pshaw you say. But yes! it is truth)
Either way, it's wednesday. I started that first chemo thursday of last week. I would expect to not be so crappy still almost a week out. And let me tell you, besides being a little tired, I probably would be just about okay, if it weren't for these damn cramps! fffuuuuccckkk....
So, the only thing I could think to pass the time since thursday, has been sleep. I really did want to go out and enjoy the really great weather this weekend, or get errands done this week (erg, damned expired drivers license) but honestly, all i've done is stayed inside and slept on and off.
I barely talked to anyone but who was in front of me, no answering phone. infrequent texts (and that is probably the rarest thing for me. for those of you who know me.)
I had lots of people seeing if I wanted to go out to things (movies, parties, bbq, etc). Which I supposed is very nice, but all I wanted to do was whole up in my house. where my bed and bathroom are in close proximity.
I have an awesomely amazing roommate who understands this, and doesn't question random naps at random times. all the time.


And an amazing best friend

who not only understands random naps...very much encourages them. which is how scenes like this occur:

But, I promise you, even a visit like this means alot to me. I guess lots of people around me want to know what they can do, and if i need anything. And I'd love to say get me this, and i need that. But ultimately, I suppose its more about wanting to not have to be "up" all the time. I like to veg. Come veg with me. It's super easy, I'll give you a crash course (ba-dum-dum-ching!)

Anywho, good friends are awesome.

Chemo, is not awesome.

Rashes and acne caused by chemo when you've never had a skin problem in your life. SUPER not awesome.

But so it goes...

Oh, and it's now 2 days before my birthday. Yay. (note super-enthusiasm in there. somewhere).

I've never not cared about an upcoming birthday as much as this one. It'd be nice to be able to eat and feel normal on my birthday though. just a small bday wish.

Well...that bed, and the ever alluring sleep beckons me yet again. Sweet dreams internetland.

Day one down from first infusion

I'm home from being at the doc's all day. And...I'm sure I should be typing out my experiences with it all, blah blah blah....

but instead, i'm putting up something that brings me giggles and joy. And I don't care who thinks it's inappropriate!

I recently got back from a vacation in Mexico, at an all inclusive resort. Which included alot of midwest housewives and soccer moms (some who literally announced they were there with a friend "celebrating a divorce")
every night at the hotel was "theme night" and one of the nights was "Beach Party" night.

we merely observed and people watched for the most part. And I quickly developed some favorites in this crowd (whom I began to view of as our "class" for the week. I saw much of the same people, we all seemed to get there around the same time, and we all seemed to check out around the same time)

I became so enamored with a few of the people there...I almost began stalking them, in a way.

Now, my (or should i say my moms) digital camera takes video, but no sound. I found myself sneaking over by a table and secretly videotaping one of my "favorites" dancing the night away in ever so dramatic a fashion, except the music didn't come through in the video. This is not nearly a problem for me though! NO! It only gives me an opportunity to make myself giggle even more at this simple few second vid.
I never actually met her. but i loved her. And thus...I will dub her, "Faye".
And to me...Faye was screaming to get loose, and let her inner video hoe free. so i kindly am providing Faye with some dance tunes to groove to.
and now, I present to you...Faye. in unadulterated fashion. uncensored.

Don't call it a comeback...

(yay to random hip hop references and anyone who catches em)

Hey pretty and kissable humans of the internet.
What can I say....I've neglected to communicate as much as I wanted to. You know how it goes, the best of intentions...right.

But, I feel I need to be back on this here blog, considering I have more stuff to blog about. for a bit of an update since the new year, it's been both productive and not.

I wanted to make this the year I get back on my feet. I won this great scholarship money, that was supposed to help me get some more edumacationen and get set up in the field I wanted to get into. I had new motivations. new dedications. new focus. new drive. I was busy making sure I acknowledged good things going on around me. Good friends. good food. good clothes, whatever.

I got to be in good company...
I grew as a person...
I experienced even more new things...

fastforward few months later to now, May 22nd, and I am gearing up to go in for some more chemo.

whaaaaa? yea. I got punched in the neck once again. Why? I do not know. a spot on my cervix decided to show up and cause ruckus. Is it caught early on? eh..i dunno. how can a reoccurance be considered 'early' or not? I mean...it's there. from the original. so I'm not sure how to view that.
Is it small? eh...I'd like to think so. I hear it's like, half the size of a dime. sounds smallish to me. But i guess I don't know how to compare it.
What's the plan of action? three to four more cycles of chemo. starting tomorrow (or today, depending on what time it is when I finish typing this).
Wonderful Folfiri, Erbitux, and Avastin. three days, every two weeks.
Then, I suppose scan me to find out how it's working, and figure out what to do from there, surgery? more chemo? who knows.

If I want to think of it in terms of the "lesser of two evils" I will say...at least it's not the liver or the lungs? I don't know how good that makes me feel. But it's something.

You wanna know what I dread the most out of chemo? And I don't care how trivial it sounds...it's the benadryl. They pump you so fucking full of benadryl its like being hit by a mack truck. A very well driven mack truck that knows exactly how to hit you so that you're still fully alert and aware but yet not able to participate or really move in any capacity.

So...I've decided..at least for the moment, that I'm gonna document stuff. Moreso than I ever did before. Paula's let me use her video camera, and even playing the role as my personal camera woman. I have camera, will travel. Lets do this. I dunno what i'll do with the stuff I document...but...i'll have it. to do whatever with.

Look to hear more from me. I guess. If I can keep it up.

Good thoughts and energy guys. Get that prayer power going for me. I sure need it!

Student Loan woes...

I'm putting out a call...does anyone out there know alot about student loans (especially private loans?)

get at me. purty puh-lease?

Ohhh Miss Terrilynn...(a missed connection)

You came...You read...You commented....

but you left no way for me to contact you back. Oh woe.

how can I get ahold of you to discuss all the joys and awesomeness of FAP and intestines and assholes?