Thursday, March 7, 2013

journal 3-12-2000

haven't posted anything of bec's in a while. her documentary has had it's unofficial launch and now that that event is over, I can concentrate on other things. this is an entry from one of her many journals. this is pre-cancer. even then, she has a universal voice of her generation. mary b

I'm so frustratingly not happy all day I kept thinking how pointless everything is. nothing really has a purpose, in the long run. I mean, most of us don't make a dent in anything that would be classified as meaning anything.  I sound so hopeless. I sound negative as hell, but I just can't help it. I've been not happy for awhile. but I can't figure out what it is. I can't determine...which superficial reason it is. or which superficial reason will remedy it. I am frustrated. extremely frustrated and nothing to do about it. I wish I knew what to do? I know it will go away. but then again, it will probably come back. I think this is a form of depression. I'm just not happy. I don't see this physical or material shit helping or resolving anything at all. I have a clue that its an emotional , personal thing but I can't really point it out. I wish it would go away. I want to be oblivious. ignorance sure is bliss. I wish I had a little of that ignorance shit.  things can be so hypocritically complicated. it really makes me sick. I want to know? I want to know why, what, where, who and when of everything. shit. sucks. always.  ya, a big ball of contradictions. it really fits. the onset of a new job....didn't work. I haven't even been there a full 2 weeks and I already want to quit. I'm unhappy. but that's nothing new. the thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn't find this the job of my dreams. I think I knew it but the part of me thought I could fit. I thought wholeheartedly that if I wanted it and I tried, I could just fit myself in the role ( the salon is really drama, everyone's an actor) but instead, I find myself where I inevitably knew and feared I would be, A rock and a hard place.I hate this job but I see no options for me. I see no job I want to really be at. I see no place I can be. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do. I really wish I could just be. I want to do productive things, but not because I have to, to get my, but because I want to, or god forbid, like to. oh boy, decisions, dilemmas, problems, issues, indecision, unsure, hopeless, helpless, all a bunch of fun.
why in the hell am I only 19 and this unhappy? shouldn't I just be out partying all the time? why do I over analyze things to death? I think and I think and I think things to death. nothing is what I want or expect. nothing is fulfilling...nothing is right.
I hate all of this and I hate feeling like this. it's this kind of nagging helpless, depressing, stressed, confused, frustrated feeling, I can't seem to find a good or right answer.
I hate being alone. or feeling like I'm alone because no one can help me and no one sees it like I see it or feels what I feel. I want a damn soul mate. I want him now! I want someone to sit next to at night and be wrapped in their arms and feel like things are okay at that moment. no matter how empty the words are, I want someone to tell me, "it'll be okay" and make me feel that's true! I'm only 19!! why is this an issue at all, let alone a big issue? this shit sucks ass!!


  1. Your 19. You probably have more understanding of the world then some people but you are unhappy because you are confused as you get older you will have more clarity. You are so young and have so much energy if you spent the energy doing something you loved you could achieve so much! I really recommend meditation as a way to stay peaceful. It is all in your head! Love everyone, especially yourself! x

  2. You misunderstood. Beautiful Becca passed away at age 31. Her mom has been posting her journal and diary entries on this blog since her death because they reflect much of what young adults deal with both facing cancer (like becca ) and facing life in general. While your advice may be good, it's a little out of context here.

  3. I miss you SO VERY much, Becca. Its been nearly 2 1/2 years since you exited this world . . . but I still think of you, almost on a daily basis. I feel so fortunate, so privileged to have known you. In the last 8 years of my life, I've grown so much not just as a cancer survivor myself, but I learned so much from you. Its hard to relate to people when you are faced with the challenges of cancer and seeing mortality face to face. Most people can only imagine such things and (hopefully) never experience them. Like you I felt like a complete stranger . . . almost like an alien. It was refreshing to know that there was someone else out there that felt almost as I felt. Your words; as negative as some of them were, were still uplifting and gave me and so many others hope. You gave us a voice and allowed so many to truly see what cancer does not just to the physical body, but to the mind and the spirit of all who are faced with such hell-sent disease.

    Wherever you are, I hope you can see how much loved and missed you are. I know I'll always love you. Impossible to forget you. Thanks B'

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  5. Not sure if you are aware or not, but I randomly happened upon this site that seems to show Becca's first internet interaction after her diagnosis.

  6. For some reason, this sweet and sassy girl popped into my mind today. I met Becca on one of my cancer journeys and man, she was full of life. Even close to the end. She fought cancer... and even though it took her body, it can't ever take that spunky spirit.
    Blessings to you, Becca's family.

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