Sunday, June 8, 2008

Oh so many friends

I gotta say, doing this shit a second time around, I have a bit more clear of vision.
First time I dealt with this bullshit, I was in a different place. Living in a different place, in a relationship, different perspective on life.
Cancer, shakes you awake, ya? If you were snoozin' on life, coasting through on autopilot, well, what better to give you a swift kick in the ass than a cancer diagnosis?
So, immediately, you start to have this lovey/glowy/shiny everyone is beautiful and i love everyone in my life. and those who I don't love a whole lot in my life...well...i'll just not have them in my life anymore.
As complicated as cancer can be, well it sure makes other things pretty simple. Surround yourself with good people. Cut out b.s. Life is too short. yadda yadda yadda.

Well, this time around, things are different. Different home, no relationship. I have tons of friends. Great, sweet, cool, concerned friends. I have a pretty small and equally concerned family. I have a cool dog...despite being a little bitch everytime it rains. But guess what?
I'm all alone.
None of the above mentioned folk, with the exception of sometimes, the dog, can be there with me all the time.
people can come visit. that's nice. people can text, or call, or email. and that's thoughtful. but when it comes down to it,
I'm all alone.
noone gets to take up residency inside my head next to the myriad of racing thoughts that keep cycling themselves around my head. I wake up alone, I spend good long chunks of the day alone, and at night I go to bed alone.
Which could all be well and good for anyone in a normal position. I hardly think I qualify as being in a normal position anymore.

Apparently some friends assume other friends are keeping me company. I bet people generally assume that at all times of the day I'm surrounded by someone. Of course, we all know what happens when you assume....

Cancer is all mine. It's taken it's place in my life as my one and only. Heh, everyone else can leave me and apparently cancer stays, unperturbed.

Party can end, everyone can go home, and cancer is still right there with me.

He can change his mind, get scared and run away, but cancer is still right there with me.

If there are only two things in life we know for sure, Birth, and Death, I think I just found one more. Cancer is always there.


  1. Aww I'm sorry my friend. I felt the exact same way during my chemo. None of my friends would step it up for me. My family were the only constants for me, and they didn't always get it. Even my so-called best friends, didn't always care, and would just fade out of my life, when really, sometimes I just needed a friend to come take a nap and watch tv with me.

    I'm often around if ya need anyone to vent at. I'm truely sorry, it brings tears to my eyes thinking you're going thru round 2 and people aren't as supportive.

    Hang in there!


  2. Hopefully cancer won't "always be there" for long, huh? Very real insight. Best of luck.