Wednesday, April 11, 2012

more about rodney.

this is another response to a woman who bec never actually met in person. she was rodney's best friend. this was written as he was nearing his end. rodney's death hit her harder than anybody's. she never got over his loss.--mom.


sorry, i read your response in my email (not actually logging into fb) and i was sorta responding to you in my head...not in text...haha, aahhh...i'll blame chemo brain.

Anywho, i understand your attachment to rodney. its not often you get those relationships where its not a lusty-love thing, its not a pity-love thing, its not a guilty-love thing, its just a genuine attachment to another human being. You guys "get" each other, even when it doesn't seem like it. I'm so happy he has a friend like you. i've been able to witness his quirkiness firsthand, and i simply adore it. so i know where you're coming from. its hard for me to "sell" him to someone (like, when he was coming to visit and friends asked me "so who's this guy thats' coming?" and i'd have to go..."well, he's a guy...he's me on that one, even if it may not seem like it at first" hahaha)

You remind me alot of a friend of mine (rodney's met her) named Jessica Lester (i just call her mo'lester for short. and to piss her off). I haven't known her nearly as long as some of my closer friends, but in a short matter of time we became super close. she's kinda quirky. in a super bubbly cheery kinda way, in which i am not. and she's a bit eccentric, popular, but not always in the in-crowd. i'm quite fond of her. and she's become fiercely loyal, supremely concerned, and intimately involved with my health and general well-being.

she moved to quatamala over the late summer/fall, for an internship, and she'd mssg me or text me damn near every day asking how i was, how were my blood counts that day, whats going on, and that she missed me(us) (my mom is her fav as well).

i'm sad to say, my supposed best friend barely ever mssg's me to just see how i am! (i'm wonder to myself why i even call her that sometimes, i swear that chic is barely ever around. though i guess history does play some role)

anywho, you and jessica...i think you guys serve similar roles to me and rodney.

as for rodney, yea he told me he was taking the train back for a doc appt. but he said he was coming back to your place soon. that makes me happy. i hate to think of him just being alone with his tumors. I'm greatly distressed by these tumors he is saying he's feeling bust through. thats insanity. i dont even know what to think about it. i mean, it affects me on a few different levels. at a deep level, its scares the shit out of me. its so close to home. hell, he could be me. i could be him. i mean, i know there are slightly different factors to each of our cases, but when you boil it down, its like i'm looking my own fate in the mirror. And on another human level, i love that crotchety grump. i hate to think of what he's going through that he barely lets on to us. i understand why he doesn't. he doesn't want us stressing and worrying and obsessing when he knows we can't do much to help. i know he would rather not be a center of attention, so i know that he's sometimes more comfortable trying to be matter-of-fact about things. but it just kills me that he's gotten to this point of seemingly accepting things and not having hope. i mean, hell, i barely have threads of hope anymore, but for some reason, in someone ELSE, i want them to have all the hope in the world. even when i know exactly how he feels. Rod n I share very similar feelings on being oddballs nowdays. about not relating to the rest of the people in our lives b/c we simply live a different reality than most of you do. even those of you who are very very very close to us. but other than sharing those views...i'm about as helpless as you when it comes to wanting to be able to DO something.

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