Saturday, April 7, 2012

the audience (from rebecca's journal)

it's become clear that I'm not good at being very consistent. Um, at anything. needless to say, I go back and forth between writing in here (inconsistently)& writing on my online blog(inconsistently). the two have vastly different audiences. yes, I think about the "audience" to what I'm writing. the online blogs, obviously, able to be read by anyone who has access to a computer& the inclination to look me up. its read by people I've never met before. some of them leave their mark. or make their presence known & some just lurk in the murky darkness of the world wide web. now, my lil journal here...well, I just assume it has an audience. they just haven't found it or started reading yet. not that I plan on bringing this book in somewhere, publishing it. I just assume when I die this will be found( i don't try to really hide it, but, you get what I mean). someone will find it & inevitably read it. at least, some of it. I also would have to assume that would mean it would be someone I know. probably very meet someone tomorrow&they could ,over a relatively short time, become  very close with me & right now I have no idea who they are(oh, & in case you're curious at this point, I've just decided to become asexual. I feel its the most reasonable & emotionally cost-effective for my mental state. maybe elaborate more on that later.) so needless to say, sometimes I think about who will be reading this without my knowledge or consent. maybe I'll do something dramatic, like burn this in effigy. though, chances are better that I won't.
once, a long time ago, (i was maybe 12-ish) &read diary of ann frank. the biggest thing I remember about it was how awful it was that millions upon millions of absolute strangers were reading this little girl's private thoughts. I felt both sad for her & guilty of doing the very same thing. that thought comes back to me very often.
well before I was diagnosed & therefore while I was still "normal", I'd wonder if its strange or unnatural to think that people will find & maybe read this & that I should hurry it up! why hurry it up? cuz cancer is fickle. one never can be certain. I think often how I don't think I'll be alive very long. not like I think I may keel over, say, tomorrow. but unless a miracle happens very very soon, I feel inevitably, I'll be defeated :(  (incidentally, it's now tomorrow & I didn't keel over...). I sometimes wonder why i can't just get it easy & fall asleep one night &just not wake up? I wonder if people that has happened to, if they could ever appreciate how lucky they are to have that happen. they not only have no idea that's coming, they don't have to spend time agonizing over unfinished business, wrapping up loose ends, righting their wrongs, etc. however unlike, say, a car accident victim, or maybe someone caught by cross-fire that kills them, they (people that die in their sleep) don't have to worry about the pain and suffering associated w/a sudden violent death. man...I really envy those people.
anywho, I'm kinda just weary on life today. I can't wrap my mind around my life at this time. I don't seem able to find motivation in order to "care" about things. & in general...I'm just tired of people. normal people. they bother me without even trying or attempting to. oh, that, and it's back to cold.  BAH.


  1. It sounds like she would have been ok with people reading it, as long as they take whatever she says as it is and not judge too harshly.

  2. Becca was was very private...but she also wanted a cancer cure...and in order to do this, I always told her her story is important to share. She bawked at me but I said she articulated her feelings in a spectactular manner. She'd say "maybe" or "Meh". Thanks for sharing this. Feelings bring out alot of well deserved awareness as it hits a deep dark place where "normal" people don't want to go into. Lots of love. Janice

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