more about rodney.

this is another response to a woman who bec never actually met in person. she was rodney's best friend. this was written as he was nearing his end. rodney's death hit her harder than anybody's. she never got over his loss.--mom.


heyo,


sorry, i read your response in my email (not actually logging into fb) and i was sorta responding to you in my head...not in text...haha, aahhh...i'll blame chemo brain.

Anywho, i understand your attachment to rodney. its not often you get those relationships where its not a lusty-love thing, its not a pity-love thing, its not a guilty-love thing, its just a genuine attachment to another human being. You guys "get" each other, even when it doesn't seem like it. I'm so happy he has a friend like you. i've been able to witness his quirkiness firsthand, and i simply adore it. so i know where you're coming from. its hard for me to "sell" him to someone (like, when he was coming to visit and friends asked me "so who's this guy thats' coming?" and i'd have to go..."well, he's a guy...he's cool...trust me on that one, even if it may not seem like it at first" hahaha)

You remind me alot of a friend of mine (rodney's met her) named Jessica Lester (i just call her mo'lester for short. and to piss her off). I haven't known her nearly as long as some of my closer friends, but in a short matter of time we became super close. she's kinda quirky. in a super bubbly cheery kinda way, in which i am not. and she's a bit eccentric, popular, but not always in the in-crowd. i'm quite fond of her. and she's become fiercely loyal, supremely concerned, and intimately involved with my health and general well-being.

she moved to quatamala over the late summer/fall, for an internship, and she'd mssg me or text me damn near every day asking how i was, how were my blood counts that day, whats going on, and that she missed me(us) (my mom is her fav as well).

i'm sad to say, my supposed best friend barely ever mssg's me to just see how i am! (i'm wonder to myself why i even call her that sometimes, i swear that chic is barely ever around. though i guess history does play some role)

anywho, you and jessica...i think you guys serve similar roles to me and rodney.

as for rodney, yea he told me he was taking the train back for a doc appt. but he said he was coming back to your place soon. that makes me happy. i hate to think of him just being alone with his tumors. I'm greatly distressed by these tumors he is saying he's feeling bust through. thats insanity. i dont even know what to think about it. i mean, it affects me on a few different levels. at a deep level, its scares the shit out of me. its so close to home. hell, he could be me. i could be him. i mean, i know there are slightly different factors to each of our cases, but when you boil it down, its like i'm looking my own fate in the mirror. And on another human level, i love that crotchety grump. i hate to think of what he's going through that he barely lets on to us. i understand why he doesn't. he doesn't want us stressing and worrying and obsessing when he knows we can't do much to help. i know he would rather not be a center of attention, so i know that he's sometimes more comfortable trying to be matter-of-fact about things. but it just kills me that he's gotten to this point of seemingly accepting things and not having hope. i mean, hell, i barely have threads of hope anymore, but for some reason, in someone ELSE, i want them to have all the hope in the world. even when i know exactly how he feels. Rod n I share very similar feelings on being oddballs nowdays. about not relating to the rest of the people in our lives b/c we simply live a different reality than most of you do. even those of you who are very very very close to us. but other than sharing those views...i'm about as helpless as you when it comes to wanting to be able to DO something.

To be surprised is a gift.

i am not really sure if this was completed or not. and I don't really know who's phone number is at the bottom.---mom


You know what one of the most awful parts of cancer is? Knowledge.
Of course, that is an odd statement, because at first I would be inclined to say that is one of the gifts of cancer.
When trying to appease myself somehow with the thought of cancer and all that it entails, I would find a very small amount of comfort in certain knowledge that comes with diagnosis.
That knowledge includes things such as:
I KNOW the true meaning of the phrase "Life is Short"
I KNOW the importance of good friends and family.
I KNOW 847-570-2639

a little chemo poem

A is for avastin. I like it very much...mostly cuz it doesn't do very much (bad)
   I never see it coming and I don't see it going
   so pump me full of avastin, ever just a touch
B is for benadryl, it makes me a 'tard
   I can't move, I can't talk, I take it rather hard.
   If you wanna  see me being fairly loopy,
   let me chug some benadryl and babble til I'm droopy
C is for comptaser which stands for diarrhea
   how that works with no colon, I have no idea,
   it sounds like fun, sounds like a blast.
   but at least I won't have explosions out my ass!
E is for erbitux. this I fear is horrid.
   it's been called many names, so I'm not looking forward.
check back soon if I don't crash, and ask my opinion of the erbi-rash!

the audience (from rebecca's journal)

it's become clear that I'm not good at being very consistent. Um, at anything. needless to say, I go back and forth between writing in here (inconsistently)& writing on my online blog(inconsistently). the two have vastly different audiences. yes, I think about the "audience" to what I'm writing. the online blogs, obviously, able to be read by anyone who has access to a computer& the inclination to look me up. its read by people I've never met before. some of them leave their mark. or make their presence known & some just lurk in the murky darkness of the world wide web. now, my lil journal here...well, I just assume it has an audience. they just haven't found it or started reading yet. not that I plan on bringing this book in somewhere, publishing it. I just assume when I die this will be found( i don't try to really hide it, but, you get what I mean). someone will find it & inevitably read it. at least, some of it. I also would have to assume that would mean it would be someone I know. probably very meet someone tomorrow&they could ,over a relatively short time, become  very close with me & right now I have no idea who they are(oh, & in case you're curious at this point, I've just decided to become asexual. I feel its the most reasonable & emotionally cost-effective for my mental state. maybe elaborate more on that later.) so needless to say, sometimes I think about who will be reading this without my knowledge or consent. maybe I'll do something dramatic, like burn this in effigy. though, chances are better that I won't.
once, a long time ago, (i was maybe 12-ish) &read diary of ann frank. the biggest thing I remember about it was how awful it was that millions upon millions of absolute strangers were reading this little girl's private thoughts. I felt both sad for her & guilty of doing the very same thing. that thought comes back to me very often.
well before I was diagnosed & therefore while I was still "normal", I'd wonder if its strange or unnatural to think that people will find & maybe read this & that I should hurry it up! why hurry it up? cuz cancer is fickle. one never can be certain. I think often how I don't think I'll be alive very long. not like I think I may keel over, say, tomorrow. but unless a miracle happens very very soon, I feel inevitably, I'll be defeated :(  (incidentally, it's now tomorrow & I didn't keel over...). I sometimes wonder why i can't just get it easy & fall asleep one night &just not wake up? I wonder if people that has happened to, if they could ever appreciate how lucky they are to have that happen. they not only have no idea that's coming, they don't have to spend time agonizing over unfinished business, wrapping up loose ends, righting their wrongs, etc. however unlike, say, a car accident victim, or maybe someone caught by cross-fire that kills them, they (people that die in their sleep) don't have to worry about the pain and suffering associated w/a sudden violent death. man...I really envy those people.
anywho, I'm kinda just weary on life today. I can't wrap my mind around my life at this time. I don't seem able to find motivation in order to "care" about things. & in general...I'm just tired of people. normal people. they bother me without even trying or attempting to. oh, that, and it's back to cold.  BAH.

on turning 30 and having hope

I lost this journal after the last entry, right before this & just found it wedged between my bed and my wall (duh, what an obvious place) almost a year later and...I'M STILL HERE! surprise! just celebrated my 30th bday last weekend. HOLYSHIT...THIRTY!! fuckin' hell. didn't think I'd see the day. literally I had phases in the past year where I sincerely thought I wouldn't make 30. but true to stubborn becca-form, I made it here.
I don't know if I'm any better for it though.
I reconnected w/ a friend from college, miguel and after many long coffee-shop talks, he's inspired to do a quasi-documentary based off my blog. he's a crazy awesome film-maker. (award-winning, I suppose that's impressive) but more so than awards, he has got to be one of THE most charismatic men I've ever met. the man has an energy about him that is addictive and tangible and crazy-infectious! he somehow has me feeling that he "gets it". NOT that he knows how it feels to BE me but he damn sure has qualified into the area of empathy, that i'm comfortable he gets what I've been griping about. what's in my head may actually make it out to a large audience afterall. and if nothing else, being on film will somehow or another give me immortality. I guess I have subconciously been desiring a way to leave a mark somehow. why else would I have posed half naked in a calendar? how else would I explain blogging? we've been shooting since end of october/beginning of november. I've got an adorable bunch of young talented film-student crew. they're all amazing and it's been a fun new ride having them all a part of my life. I'm hoping in a couple of weeks to see a rough cut. it's awkward seeing yourself in film context. I think I play off very well. so far, I've loved what I've seen. wow, this entry almost sounds POSITIVE! go figure.

words from rebecca

rebecca died on march 24th. she fought to the bitter end. it is hard to put a judgement on that statement. would she have lived longer if she had stopped treatment? I think that may be true. but it was not my choice. so as I am cataloging and parcelling out what remains of all the stuff left behind, I am coming across things. writings and pictures and old home movies and facebook. i know she wasn't "done" yet. I am NOT surprised at what an influence she was on people she didn't even know. she took the role of cancerlebrity seriously, even though she found it burdensome at times. she was alone, unmotivated and tired in the last 1 1/2yrs. cancer became a full-time job and energy was finite.
I thought about hacking into this account and posting some of the writings I've found. it seems fitting somehow. her facebook page has been made public and there is a wide-spread outreaching from all over the world. so, if people are still following this, leave a comment of whether or not those words deserve to be heard, or were even meant to be heard. it is pretty raw stuff so far. may b hard to take. maybe not but either way she will be missed.

Dichotomy

I was reading a book awhile back (granted MANY people have read this book as of late, as I do believe it's being made into a movie currently. still...this was bout 3 years ago). A part of the book the characters were discussing that everything: every being, every entity, every object, every city, every genre, culture, and individual has A Word. One word that in an overall average or medium...most accurately embodies that thing.

I'd say, for instance, Chicago, as a city...it's word could be "VARIETY" OR "PLENTITUDE". If you want something, chances are good you'll have ALOT of options for that thing in Chicago. I think it must almost be a subliminal bit of pride in some of us born Chicagoans knowing that we have so many choices.

But my word?? I'm sure at any given point in my life, my "word" could and has changed. We're transient beings, after all, right? And who more to be transient than my airy gemini as I am? (not that I could claim to really know so much about astrology. But i digress...)

So. My word? I think, at this very moment in my life, I am going with "DICHOTOMY"

A Dichotomy is any splitting of a whole into exactly two non-overlapping parts.

I have such a capacity for love, peace and serenity in me. A massive capacity for it, actually. It's difficult to reach that place, but it exists within me.

And at the very same rate, I have an immense capacity for spite, rage and seething anger. It's easier to reach, of course, as it always goes.

The path towards both of these places, within me, are vastly different. Obviously. But each require much the same amount of effort, regardless of how different the path is.
I can't say it's more fun to pursue peace, love and all that fuzzy warmness, anymore than it is to drift chaotically into hate, rage and blazing iciness.

Each path leads me to places that have different names. Different physical locations within myself, and different atmospheres surrounding them. Except with the common theme of ultimately just being a place in which I am alone. Utterly alone with myself.


Ssssoooo...your word is?