Language barriers

I admit, I'm a bit of an obnoxious american. Maybe not in the sense of thinking the world revolves around me...so to speak. But I guess I just listened too much to most of the people who told me that "dont worry, most everyone there speaks english too".

Wow. The language barriers. I may sound like i'm complaining but perhaps only becuase all i really want to do is be able to strike up random conversations with people. (or at least be able to appropriately tell off the naggy beggars that follow you persistently).

Anywho, I am in Sarajevo right now in an apartment with a ridiculously enviable view of a tremendously colorful city.

My oh my are there characters here. Soooo many of them. But THIS by far, is my favorite shot of the day:

Dobar dan!

Greetings!
(my disclaimer right off the bat is that if you see ˝z˝ where a ˝y˝ should be just know that i canNOT get the hang of this croatian keyboard. I`m trying to catch my typos, but in the interest of typing fast and getting out of this internet cafe as fast as possible, i may not get them all.)

So then...that being said, Im in Croatia!! Split to be exact. Got in a day ago, and it is absolutely amazing. I dont want to be here long, but I just HAD to put some photos up. Its warmer than Chicago here, though its not hot, by any means. Its more like...mild. Today it has been raining all daz, though its only 1p. Hence why I am sitting in an internet cafe instead of browsing around. Im drenched. (and cant seem to find the apostrophe key on here...)

Observations (even though ive made these observations before), just about everzone in Europe is stylish...right down to the nuns. AND, there are TONS of drop dead beautiful women here in Croatia. Jesus. Talk about feeling inadequate. Tall, leggy, refined facial structure. makes me sick! heheheh.

Anzwho, take a gander a few photos from so far. Im sure Ill have tons more as the days go by. Tomorrow we are headed to Sarajevo in a rental car. Yipes. Keep your fingers crossed we dont get *gulp* lost...

I made the pilgrimage!

So I'm sitting in a kitchen of a house in Silver Springs Maryland, a mere half hour train-ride into the heart of all the action of the next few days. Obama-thon!
Tom and Dawn have very graciously offered us a place to stay in their home, and my mom, Roanne and I snapped at the chance.
I'll be traipsing around the mall for the next few days in bright red moon boots. I think I'll try my hand at this "mobile-blogging" feature, since I know am the owner of a nifty-difty new G1 phone. (super sweet 3mega-pixel camera phone)
Now that I've updated you all on the technology I'm working with, I'm off to put on my moon boots.
more to come...?

Mo' Money, Mo' problems

That is how the phrase goes...right? The more money you get the more problems you get with it? Than how come I'm getting the opposite? Ain't got no money and yet it just gets me more and more problems.
I currently am trying to figure out how in holy hell I can deal with the devil (also known as Sallie Mae) when I don't have the ammo to battle.
I owe them...oh..I dunno, something like $35-40,000 in loans. *yay to all that interest. Apparently you can only defer it a couple of times (of course, you have to PAY to defer them, which in itself is pretty funny that you have to PAY in order to not have to pay.). I've exhausted that option. And then I was offered a partial payment deferment...for three months. whoo-hoo. And the last time I called to get them to stop calling me, they couldnt' do anything for me. Except the gentleman I spoke to (who I do believe reads my blog now, which is awesome that someone listened to me!) worked out pushing my payments back a month or two.
The problem lies in not only has my situation NOT improved, it has, for all intents and purposes gotten worse.
I dont make squat for money at my job. I get barely minimum wage. I work only parttime. I feel restricted and limited as hell in getting a different job due to a multitude of reasons. For myself, I'll elaborate:
A. who's going to hire someone who can't even commit that they'll be able to work a full work schedule b/c every two weeks i have to be out for chemo...damnit chemo infusion centers dont work on weekends.
B. Even if i didnt' have to get treated every two weeks, there are many occasion when various complications keep me from getting into work at all...be it sudden blood transfusion, ct scan, scope, or iron infusion.
C. and even if I didn't have that potential looming over my head, in general, I'm exhausted enough after working a short shift of 6.5 hours four or five days a week as it is. And its a pretty easy desk job. I can barely remember the times when I worked two or three jobs at once, or worked fulltime and went to school part or fulltime. That sounds like a wonderwoman to me, and yet I used to do it.
D. If I'm able to get past all of that, I'd have to get a job that I can explain to them that once (minimum) but more like twice a day, for roughly a half hour at a time I'll have to lock myself in a bathroom. Which, in most normal jobs, you get a lunch hour. So maybe I could work it so that it was my lunch hour...now of course this would also mean that I would always spend every work day in a bathroom instead of eating. That could potentially get problematic.
E. Oh yea, and do I need to even touch on the subject of Insurance and the fact that I would not only wreck the insurance setup at most any business with my pre-existing conditions, I am basically a Liability. I know that an employer wouldn't be able to NOT hire me based on me having cancer, but exactly how would I be able to prove that even happened? I've toyed with the idea of not saying anything to a potential employer about cancer. But realized it's nto exactly plausible given reasons I've already stated and the fact that I would need to right off the bat be able to start scheduling my off days so I can get my treatments.

I could actually keep going with reasons I feel limited. But besides that all...I love my job. Well, I may not have that involved of a job description, but I love the actual organization I work for. It is a folk music school and they have been amazing for me. They are the most supportive and accomadating people. I feel very much blessed that I have an employer that not only is understanding of my situation, but are right there in my corner. They've allowed me to use the entire facility (including huge gorgeous concert hall) for my very first fundraiser. Than, my fundraiser I had a few months ago they all collectively raised about close to $1000 for it without mentioning a word of it to me. When I was in the hospital about to have surgery, the first (and one of the only) flower arrangements I received was from my coworkers. A bunch of them showed up to my fundraisers. They bend over backwards to help me rearrange my schedule when chemo-stuff changes. They're always very respectful of my situation, willingness to talk about it, etc. I never dread going to work in the morning, I love what my job offers to people. The fact that we share, spread, and support local arts, artists, musicians, etc. The fact that we have a place where people from all walks of life come together to learn, play, and share cultures. That we offer people with limited incomes the chance for scholarships and financial aid, including children from low income homes. And thats only a small part of why I love where I work.

So needless to say I feel stuck. Because I dont feel I can get back on my feet, which I've been trying to for three years. And I can't shake these Sallie Mae fucks. And yet I can't pay them. I can barely pay my rent all on my own. and my monthly payment due for student loans would come close to $500. and a partial payment would still be like $250. I think even if i just paid the interest accrued every month its close to $200. And I can't afford that anyway. I have rent/phone/auto/food/ and then I'm not even touching on the massive medical debt I'm already in (and just get deeper and deeper into every two weeks with the next chemo treatment. I make payments here and there, but there are some things that just dont receive anything. For instance, I dont think I've been able to afford sending payment to the radiation people...ever. I just can't when I have to make sure that my oncologists office is current on bills so that I can continue my drugs as needed.
I'll elaborate even more later about how all this just serves to contribute to my lack of self-esteem in anything these days.
If I could blink my eyes and make Sallie Mae just fall off the face of the planet, I would do it in a heartbeat. . Someone help me! puh-lease.

Viiiidddeo!

Okay, it may not be riveting video. but needless to say my awesome mom and family got me a super sexy new video camera for xmas. So I have a way to get stuff i've had laying around, onto my computer. and out to my blog!
So, I want to start out small. A little infusion room anecdote if you will.

memories of life.

I have a crush but it was unrealized til now.
I was infatuated but didn't let myself see it.
I took for granted.
I took advantage.
and now all I want to do is take it all back.
My crush is on life...I love it, but it seems to not love me back.
I try all I can to get its attention.
I stop and smell the roses.
I live it to the fullest.
I laugh at the small things.
I rage at the injustices.
I smile when I pass someone on the street.
I sing to myself loudly in the car
I savor the flavors on my tongue til the last drop goes down

and yet Life doesn't seem to think I appreciate it.
maybe Life thinks I'm ungrateful.
maybe life thinks I'm a brat.
Maybe life feels undervalued, or not very attractive to me.
But I love it. Dearly. And always have.

All I can do nowadays is think. and reflect.

reminisce.
....remember that time? when we stole a salt shaker from a hot dog stand and a lime from a liqour store and ran off to chug that bottle of tequila under the train tracks in wrigleyville? You broke your flip flop, and you got too drunk and crawled under the park bench to fall asleep and those guys drove down the alley, saw us all, and thought you were dead?
reminisce.
....remember once when I came home early from work because I was sick. Only to find that you had sponge painted one whole wall in the living room gold?! I got so pissed off b/c it was hideous, and b/c you didn't ask me, that I wrote you a two page letter saying it'd BETTER be back to white by teh time i got home OR ELSE, and left to go buy soup? (and a few hours later when I returned...I found it all white?)
reminisce.
...remember that time I put you in my messenger bag for your first ride on the subway to go down to Taste of Chicago? We couldn't walk more than three feet without being stopped by someone, you chic-magnet. And we ended up getting "interviewed" by the Channel 7's "ChowHound" while eating a giant bbq'd turkey leg?
reminisce.
....remember that time we thought my mom would be gone all night so we snuck you in my house, only to find out 15 min later that she was coming back home so we hid you in the closet for an hour til i thought the coast was clear enough to open my window in the middle of january and all but throw you out the window with no shoes on? And you took off towards the alley but almost had a heart attack when you reached the garage b/c the motion light turned on?
reminisce.
....remember when we used to sit in the home office at two different desks on two different computers, less than five feet away from each other and talk back and forth via a chat window instead of actually speaking just b/c we could? And knowing we were total dorks for doing it, but neither of us caring?
reminisce.
....remember you didn't feel the baby all weekend so you got nervous and went to the hospital only to find that you'd miscarried and would need to induce labor to deliver a stillborn? I was in my first real college class, summer school, and the middle of august. I stayed in your room for the entire two days waiting. your mom came and went, and so did the boyfriend, but i stayed. curled up in a ball and slept on a chair with a damp sheet for a blanket in a WAY over airconditioned room and waited. When the drugs finally worked, I was flung into role of a sort of morbid midwife and held up one of your legs til it was all done?
reminisce.
....remember when you went to let the dog out in the middle of a blizzard and accidently locked yourself out, but I was in the bathroom and couldn't hear so you thought it was a good idea to try and break in through the teeny window over the door but got stuck halfway through and couldn't breath? til i finally heard you barely eeking out a whisper cry for help and when i came back and saw you all the way up there halfway through the window and red in teh face I laughed so hard i couldn't breath myself and you got really mad cuz you really honestly couldn't breath? and after getting you down i laughed myself silly for probably another full 30 minutes?
reminisce.
...remember that time we went rollerskating at Rainbo and when we were done we thought it was a good idea to stay in our rollerblades and head across into the cemetary and roam around, only to get locked into the cemetary a half hour later. And not having any shoes with me, we decided it was the only option to scale the wrought iron fence...in rollerblades?
reminisce reminisce reminisce.

Life, I have a sweet silly crush on you, and I really hope one day you see how much I'm in love with you.

The How and Why

How do you respond when the people who are supposed to save you from cancer, tell you there's nothing they can do?
How do you react when the day that was supposed to signal the end of the stupid fight you've put up for months, is abruptly cut short and you are sent home?
Why do I continue to get screwed? Who did I fuck over in a former life? in this life?
Why can't shit just be simpler?
How do you move forward when you're not given options?
Why keep going if the outcomes already been set?
How do you tell someone who means well enough that "sending love/prayers/thoughts" really isn't doing a damn thing for me? love/prayers/thoughts apparently aren't winning this battle for me.
Why is it that you can have so many people from all over the globe rooting for you, and yet nothing still goes your way?
How come?
Why bother?