Monday, October 26, 2009

Life Support? in our Social Networking realities

When you are diagnosed, you have a few choices in terms of ways in which to cope. Among those choices are things like support groups, or networking groups of other people with cancer. In our social-networking-crazed world, its also easy (if almost impossible NOT) to build a community of cancery-people online. All the myriad of websites with message boards, email groups, blogs and of course...the big bad daddy of 'em all, Facebook. Over the years, I've met people who've either been through the same things I have for colon cancer, OR have had various cancers of their own but for some reason or another, we've connected and relate to each other. Sites such as The Colon Club, Imerman Angels, and Planet Cancer to name a few, have allowed me to either reach out to, or be reached by a huge network of patients/survivors/caregivers, etc. Many of these people I keep in more regular contact with via Facebook.
I actually have my "friends lists" in my Facebook broken down into "Colon Cancer People" and "Other Cancer People" and they're both pretty lengthy.
I figured it was healthy and good to have people you can vent to, and relate to in ways you never ever could to even the most well-meaning friend or family member. But inevitably, if you have a network of cancer-folk you will also lose some of those folk. And chances are, lose them to the very thing that you yourself are fighting. No matter how close you were to a person, or how long you knew them, ANY interaction in the cancer world, even a brief one, can form an intense bond.
I've posted on here before about someone I knew and was close to, passing away from her cancer. And in the time since then (roughly a year ago) several others I've met have passed away from it as well.
As of late I've been mulling over whether having this community of cancer-folk is actually a good and healthy thing after all? I recently was in an email discussion back n forth with a handful of other colon cancer survivors (of various lengths of time) and one of them made a comment about how he was glad he was finally getting "past this cancer crap" and beginning to "move on with life". It wasn't a comment directed at me specifically, but at the group as a whole. Many in the group had cancer quite a number of years ago (8, 10, 13 etc). Just those simple comments were enough to simultaneously enrage me with jealousy, and fill me with sadness and resentment.
I would LOVE to be able to get past cancer. I would give anything to be able to move on with life. I don't see how that is ever possible for me however. I mean, yes, I can still do other things and not dwell day to day on cancer, cancer, cancer. I can try my best to not let it consume me every minute of every hour. But ultimately the fact still remains that every day, twice a day, I have to remember to take my chemo pills. And every week, for an hour or so every week, I have to truck myself up to the burbies to get an infusion at my oncologists office. The time in between all of that, I am sometimes lucky to be able to distract myself and not think about my ultimate demise, or perhaps any of the MANY ramifications that come about from having cancer, or being on treatment. Although, successful in that as I may be, I can easily log into facebook or even just check my email and instantly be reminded about it in someway. Some friend will post about how a scan has come back clear! Or another will send a link to an awesome organization we cancery-people should know about. Or maybe there's a fundraiser, young adult cancer-mixer, or a walk/run for awareness we should support. Or...and these are the "or's" you begin to dread: You randomly happen upon a friends profile page in passing only to realize from the comments posted that a person who, not more than a week prior, you were reading about them celebrating a 27th birthday...or who that VERY day you had just addressed a birthday card to send to her, belated of course...apparently just passed away the day before. I don't know whats more sad, the fact that someone you know just died way too young and for not a good enough reason...or the fact that you find out on a website...or the fact that its not all that uncommon of an thing.
I begin to think about how if I didn't know all these people...all these wonderful, amazing, remarkable, hilarious, strong, intelligent, accomplished, loving, kind people...that I wouldn't have nearly as much sadness and sorrow. To be fair, with or without knowing them, I have my fair share of it. But with knowing all of these new friends, I've expanded the potential for grief many times over. So is that good for your psyche? Is it healthy and healing to have to continuously face the end result to things in which you yourself are facing? In the same respect if I ignored all these new friends. If i disassociated myself from all the organizations I've connected to that do so much towards that any healthier? Would denial be any better of a way to cope? Common knowledge would lead me to think no. But I would be remiss if I did not admit that I don't always believe common knowledge knows what the hell it's talking about!! Of course, ultimately, there isn't a right or wrong answer. However, I'd love to hear others thoughts on this matter.

(and in a related note. Rest in Peace Stefanie Biggs )


  1. OMG, Becca. It's like you wrote this from my dictation. We'll make others jealous of us one day!

  2. I hear what you're saying, I've wondered that myself too. In my case, I was trying to get out of the cancer crowd after my first diagnosis in 01 because I felt like I that wasn't "me" anymore. I did do the Colondar though which got me into a group in the midst of that. I'm so glad I did that now since I was diagnosed again this summer and have needed them more than I ever realized!

    I think once a cancery-person, always a cancer person. And our tough reality is that it can always strike again. So staying connected with a group who understands, can walk you through and fight this off together (figuratively speaking) is good. I know it's helped me heal, and given me a way to "give back" when I'm ready.

  3. I hear you. I'm about 2.5 years out of treatment, but still hav hiccups once in a while where my onc gets concerned or I continuously get sick. In that regard, it makes me feel good to keep in touch with my cancer peeps that "get it." However, since ending treatment, I've really only kept in touch with those that are actually people I would hang out regardless of cancer or not. We still have that common bond, but we can always talk about everyday life as well.

    So even though me and you didn't have the same cancer, I consider you someone I would actually hang out with either way. Hence me still keeping tabs on you.

    Now that I'm done with treatment, my cancer doesn't define me, yet it does humble me an make me want to give back. Just the other day while I was volunteering my time talking to cancer patients at a local hospital, I mentioned your blog to a patient with colon cancer. I got him to laugh, which was my main goal.

    Hope you're well, and I hope you don't delete me on all thingys social network :)


  4. Becca, I appreciated your comment on my single cells blog, and of course what you said is so true. There is a huge difference when you are terminal. Thanks for sharing that perspective.

    On a note related to this blog post, I did a rant on the Stupid Cancer radio show last December about the pink explosion. You are definitely not the only person that feels this way. I went so far as to suggest that it's as much about boobs as it is cancer. So sad, but I think true.

  5. Hello from Russia!
    Can I quote a post "No teme" in your blog with the link to you?

  6. Becca, I honor your candor and your introspection. When I was diagnosed (colon, stage IIIb) in March, 2007, I devoured everything I could find about cancer and the inhabitants of our world. And I blogged. And several other bloggers touched me in immediate and important ways. I have lurked on their blogs, feeling a connection that they perhaps do not share. I care about their (your) progress in living, and dread recurrences in all of our cases. At a certain level, everyone is terminal - we are all gonna die someday.

    I like your writing and your poetry - and that is why I look at your site. I do not blog all that much because others seem to be perfectly capable and willing to say/ask/find the things I am thinking about. Thanks.

  7. Thank you all for the comments. I haven't really reached any "conclusions" on this. I just go back and forth daily. (anonymous from russia, you can feel free to link or quote any of it, and please do let me know if you do, I'd love to read!)
    Kelly, you ain't gettin rid of me anytime soon honey ;)
    To other anonymous, most the time i get discouraged to go write or do much in this cancer-world b/c i know that there are many many others who are just as qualified, or better, to express things like this. BUT, then i figure...well, why the hell not, maybe it'll make me feel better to get my own words out. So, i hope you reconsider blogging more, even if you feel everyone else is already doing it. There's room on the internet for all of us!! hehehe.
    (shawn, I would seriously question the morality of anyone who'd be "jealous" of us. heh)

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