Saturday, June 30, 2007

You don't know

I am no stronger than you.

I am no braver than you.

I am no more inspirational than you.

I am not those things. I am only what you see in me.

I am scared. every minute. of every day. day in. and day out.

If you wake up with your house on fire, your bedroom engulfed in flames. Do you just lay there on your bed and say "Ah well. I gave it a good run. Might as well just lay here and kiss it all good by."


You get the hell out of there. You run, scramble, lunge, bolt for the door. You gasp for air, you do anything you can to cool your singed skin. You get out. You lick your wounds. You look back and think "Good God, I got myself out of THAT?!?"

So why is what I did, or what I went through any different?

You know what's different? Jealousy. Jealousy takes on a whole new meaning. Everyone is jealous. It's in human nature. Envious, Jealous, whichever you want to refer to it as, in some form or another, everyone, in some stage, has it.

If I had a dime for every time in the past I wished something about me, or my life was different/better/bigger/nicer/ I'd probably not be in so much debt right now.

But that was before.

NOW? Now there's jealousy and envy. But it's much more broad. Now, if I had a dime for every time I wished I was just fucking normal...just plain as plain can be....just blend into the background nondescript average jane? Gggooooooooooddddamn I'd be a ga-fuckin-zillionaire.

I hate to sound rude. But you just don't know.


  1. Hey,
    It's Nick aka the only other guy at Gilda's besides Martin. Well not anymore, we have another guy, Greg, and a few other people as well. Hope you're doing alright and that the ukulele lessons when fun. I just re-stumbled upon your blog after looking at some websites. I've definitely hit the "what now?" phase, and with more free time this summer looking for something meaningful to do. I definitely get your frustration that you're talking about in this post. I wrote a paper for a class this spring, which had to do with the entrenched views of cancer that people hold. It was the only class I cared about the whole quarter b/c it was about cancer to me, everything else seemed pointless. Well anyways, I don't think you're rude, you may sound rude, but people need to have their framed and holy ideas chewed up and spit back at them. In short, rock on and kick ass.

  2. I sooo understand you to the fullest!!!! If only....for both of us!

    Come visit me:

    I come here often and feel awful for what your going through at such a yound age. I have a feeling tho that you are going to win this battle with your attitude! I know how exhausting it is....I pray for you daily.

    Keep up the fight!! SUe

  3. Hello there. I ran across your blog on the jpouch website. Cancer does suck. My oldest daughter who is 10 now had a brain tumor at age 7. I was diagnosed earlier this year with an extremely rare eye cancer, which led to my colon removal in a round about way. Blogging is amazing. We had comments from around the world for Maggie's -

    It is truly inspirational what we can achieve and get through. Our new "normal" works for us. We aren't like other families, but we get along and most days no one knows all of your issues! Hang in there. I will see you on the jpouch website, I am only 3 months takedown, still adjusting and farting loudly in public. I still pack a "diaper bag" just in case.... I am hoping to get to a better place... SOON, but for now, it works.


  4. This is a great post and expresses something beautifully that I have often felt.
    I found you through DYI not D.I.E. andI linked to your blog last night. It was a post called, 'beyond the breast and past the pink.' I wanted to let people know about great blogs about non pink-ribbon cancers.

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