this is a journal entry from 2010. one of the most heartwrenching things for me to watch was HOW MUCH cancer changed her. she turned in to a quivering mass of fears and worries. that was not her way prior to getting sick. people just had NO IDEA of the crazy that was going on in her head whenever she was left alone for too long. no doubt that cancer changes people. but some people just hide it better than others, I guess. she missed her old self as much as I did.--mom
a soul lost...
once upon a time, long, long ago, I was a different person. I used to write. I wrote of love & sadness & outrage. I day-dreamed, I fantasized, I embellished, I analyzed. I don't know where that person went. I think about her often. I miss the way she laughed when someone sneezed. I miss how pouty she got first thing in the morning. I miss her ability to ignore you one minute & obsess over you the next. I miss watching her sit & push paint around a canvas w/a brush for literally hours on end & not ever realize the day's gone. I miss how giddy & excited she's get after seeing a good movie & how inspired the right song could make her. I wonder where she went & why she left. it's like the going got tough, so she got going. and it's worse that losing a close friend. they always say you find out who your real friends are when you go through a major tragedy. but I never expected to lose a perfectly good soul, too.
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I remember how much we both loved Slumdog and crushin on Dev and the soundtrack...we were inspired. She would tell me of how much she loved to restore windows and I figured it was cuz she wanted to be looking through it to be healthy and happy...like the view was something much different then her existing reality. I felt her soul slipping but never never never wanted to show it. She tried to push away sometimes but I told her I stick like glue. I miss our talks about boys and clothes and things that got her all rev'ed up. I always KNEW you were right there by her side, so I could rest knowing she had your love when all else failed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for continuing to post on Becca's blog. I will keep checking back often. Please keep her voice alive.
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