Tuesday, December 30, 2008

memories of life.

I have a crush but it was unrealized til now.
I was infatuated but didn't let myself see it.
I took for granted.
I took advantage.
and now all I want to do is take it all back.
My crush is on life...I love it, but it seems to not love me back.
I try all I can to get its attention.
I stop and smell the roses.
I live it to the fullest.
I laugh at the small things.
I rage at the injustices.
I smile when I pass someone on the street.
I sing to myself loudly in the car
I savor the flavors on my tongue til the last drop goes down

and yet Life doesn't seem to think I appreciate it.
maybe Life thinks I'm ungrateful.
maybe life thinks I'm a brat.
Maybe life feels undervalued, or not very attractive to me.
But I love it. Dearly. And always have.

All I can do nowadays is think. and reflect.

....remember that time? when we stole a salt shaker from a hot dog stand and a lime from a liqour store and ran off to chug that bottle of tequila under the train tracks in wrigleyville? You broke your flip flop, and you got too drunk and crawled under the park bench to fall asleep and those guys drove down the alley, saw us all, and thought you were dead?
....remember once when I came home early from work because I was sick. Only to find that you had sponge painted one whole wall in the living room gold?! I got so pissed off b/c it was hideous, and b/c you didn't ask me, that I wrote you a two page letter saying it'd BETTER be back to white by teh time i got home OR ELSE, and left to go buy soup? (and a few hours later when I returned...I found it all white?)
...remember that time I put you in my messenger bag for your first ride on the subway to go down to Taste of Chicago? We couldn't walk more than three feet without being stopped by someone, you chic-magnet. And we ended up getting "interviewed" by the Channel 7's "ChowHound" while eating a giant bbq'd turkey leg?
....remember that time we thought my mom would be gone all night so we snuck you in my house, only to find out 15 min later that she was coming back home so we hid you in the closet for an hour til i thought the coast was clear enough to open my window in the middle of january and all but throw you out the window with no shoes on? And you took off towards the alley but almost had a heart attack when you reached the garage b/c the motion light turned on?
....remember when we used to sit in the home office at two different desks on two different computers, less than five feet away from each other and talk back and forth via a chat window instead of actually speaking just b/c we could? And knowing we were total dorks for doing it, but neither of us caring?
....remember you didn't feel the baby all weekend so you got nervous and went to the hospital only to find that you'd miscarried and would need to induce labor to deliver a stillborn? I was in my first real college class, summer school, and the middle of august. I stayed in your room for the entire two days waiting. your mom came and went, and so did the boyfriend, but i stayed. curled up in a ball and slept on a chair with a damp sheet for a blanket in a WAY over airconditioned room and waited. When the drugs finally worked, I was flung into role of a sort of morbid midwife and held up one of your legs til it was all done?
....remember when you went to let the dog out in the middle of a blizzard and accidently locked yourself out, but I was in the bathroom and couldn't hear so you thought it was a good idea to try and break in through the teeny window over the door but got stuck halfway through and couldn't breath? til i finally heard you barely eeking out a whisper cry for help and when i came back and saw you all the way up there halfway through the window and red in teh face I laughed so hard i couldn't breath myself and you got really mad cuz you really honestly couldn't breath? and after getting you down i laughed myself silly for probably another full 30 minutes?
...remember that time we went rollerskating at Rainbo and when we were done we thought it was a good idea to stay in our rollerblades and head across into the cemetary and roam around, only to get locked into the cemetary a half hour later. And not having any shoes with me, we decided it was the only option to scale the wrought iron fence...in rollerblades?
reminisce reminisce reminisce.

Life, I have a sweet silly crush on you, and I really hope one day you see how much I'm in love with you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The How and Why

How do you respond when the people who are supposed to save you from cancer, tell you there's nothing they can do?
How do you react when the day that was supposed to signal the end of the stupid fight you've put up for months, is abruptly cut short and you are sent home?
Why do I continue to get screwed? Who did I fuck over in a former life? in this life?
Why can't shit just be simpler?
How do you move forward when you're not given options?
Why keep going if the outcomes already been set?
How do you tell someone who means well enough that "sending love/prayers/thoughts" really isn't doing a damn thing for me? love/prayers/thoughts apparently aren't winning this battle for me.
Why is it that you can have so many people from all over the globe rooting for you, and yet nothing still goes your way?
How come?
Why bother?