Sunday, January 17, 2010
I realize this is not exactly the timeliest of posts. But, I figured, looking back over alot of what I've written...sometimes...I may seem a bit...depressed.
Now, mind you, that is not to say that I do not have a large portion of my being consumed by ill-feelings of some sort at any given time. HOWEVER, I don't think that it speaks to the truth of who I fully am.
I don't think I'd ever be described as "perky", but alot of the time, I'm pretty goofy. I like to laugh. Yea, I know, everyone says that. But I do. I love nothing more than getting swept up by a wave of laughter so hard and at something so ridiculous that I am rendered unable to speak or breath for several minutes. (alot of you who know me in person have witnessed these laughing fits, which often end in me doubled over clenching my gut with tears streaming down my face).
This is January. of 20-flippin-10! and I am still here!! I am here, and I am able to laugh. Not at everything. Not all the time. But I am still capable of laughing. Smiling. Cracking dumb jokes. Talking smack. Living.
The living isn't easy. Its hard going most of the time. But I spend all my efforts on trying to make it as easy as it can be, at least for me. I try with all my might to seem as carefree, and as giddy as you please. So maybe I'm not. Not all the time. But as the saying goes, you fake it til you make it, right?
I feel bitter at the world around me and my circumstances quite often. My inner dialogue often falls into rants about how unfair things are, and how jealous I am of everyone else around me. Right or wrong, I fall prey to that.
But I can still laugh. I savor that laughter like it was a fine wine. In my place in life, at this point in time, laughter holds more value than any material thing. This isn't prophetic earth-shattering information or observation. I hear it all the time, how much people supposedly value laughing (and good friends, sharing moments, etc etc). Rather, this is just a reminder.
No New Years Resolutions, more so, these are my New Years Reminders.
I'm alive. I'm fairly functional. I have amazing family. I have incredible friends. I have support in my corner. I am still not an asshole, and I am not normal, no. But I can laugh my ass off sometimes and that can be all I need.