Wednesday, April 11, 2012

fear and loathing

sept 2011. this short little post was before the hemorrhaging and before the label of "inoperable" was stamped on bec's forehead.

"meh.


man. i wanna say i'm up for fighting, and all that. But gggoooooodddamn. they REALLY know how to make a girl not feel like she's got any hope.

i met with gyne onc on friday, and he told me about all the various 'tests' i'll have to pass in order to even be a candidate for the surgery and that most people don't ever pass them.

and then if they do...well, than i'm still faced with the "how are you guys gonna make me able to pee" decision.

four surgeons, one gyne, 2 colorectal, and one urological surgeon.

fucking yay.

i'm just at a mental breaking point. i mean...in one respect, i'm like "BRING IT THE FUCK ON!" i am sick and fucking tired of cancer. period. and if THIS is the only option they give me, than bring it. and cancer is going the fuck down.

but for the most part, i'm just extremely scared. i hate the unknown.

and for the past 5 years i've been one giant unknown.

:/
B"

2 comments:

  1. I remembered this :( This day, just like every day I wished that I could have taken the pain and the cancer away.

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  2. I too remember...I was so proud of her for making this very invasive procedure decision just so she could LIVE. I've never known a young woman so brave. And, that's not lip service. I wonder if some of her other healthy friends really grasped the added complexity of this. She had a kock pouch already, pooing with a catheter. It alone has a host of probs. Then, a pee bag would be attached. And her female parts gone. Imagine being brave enough to to fight the cancer and then wake up to get the disapointing news "it's not doable" (she texted). My heart sunked.

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