Saturday, May 12, 2012

this one's about me.

so this one is about me and my endless prying into bec's life. I make no apologies for it. and this wasn't a message that surprised me. as I have said before, so much in bec's writings wasn't anything she didn't say directly to people. she made it clear to me that I was smothering her. I didn't really care. still don't. it was one of those "between a rock and a hard place" situations most of the time. she insisted on involving me with most of the people she met on her journey but got pissed when she felt I was crossing the line. the role of care-giver is not easy under the best of circumstances. and knowledge is power. I make no apologies for how I got my information. it helped me a great deal to read her posts etc b/c then, I knew what topics to steer clear of and also what topics I needed to steer the conversation towards. she NEVER wanted me to worry about her which I did every minute of every day of this nightmare. so I believe that even though she was resistive to my endless intrusions on her life, it served as a way for me to understand her fears and anxieties without her having to talk about them. this is from 2yrs ago.--mom

"yo.


gotta say, i'm sorry for not being more immediately responsive. i'll confess, part of it is my lazy/unmotivated-ness (it is nothing that can be related to ANY normal persons unmotivated-ness, so please, save yourself the trouble).

and also, the more it comes to my attention that you talk to my mom. i may love my mom. but she is in EVERYthing i do, EVERYwhere. i have a blog, obviously she reads that, i'm signed up on various different cancer support forums (i.e The Colon Club, planet cancer, stupid cancer radio show, etc)) ostomy support forums (united ostomy associates, the kpouch forum, etc) and she also registers for an acct with them all. so basically i have little place to go and vent and complain that she DOESN'T have a way to access and read.

And the only person i could email and talk directly one on one (so that it would be private) was rodney. now that he's not around i find myself freaking out like "who in the hell am i supposed to talk to!? who's gonna understand without going all god, or all mush, or all dumbstruck on me?? NOONE! shit."

so, i guess since i know you talk to my mom, well, its just not the same. rodney eventually started talking to my mom, but b/c he also actually HAD cancer, he understood. there was a line in the sand.

i'm not saying i dont' trust you. and i'm not saying she( mom) even would ever ever ever ask you what i've said. she'd never. but its just simply the sheer fact alone. nothing more, nothing less.

aaaaaaannnywho. i know she's at least made some kinda reference to whats been going on with me the past few days. considering how much i watch her on my computer on facebook (all the damn time! heh) and how little i've been on facebook myself.

B"

5 comments:

  1. The more I read these entries, the sadder it makes me. I first looked this blog up because I was dealing with my own colostomy...it wasn't because of cancer, but I was still scared and sad and felt alone. I added it to my reader (which is how I heard it had been updated and Rebecca had passed away) but I never really connected with it at the time.

    Reading it now, and reading her "private" thoughts makes me so sad...to know that all she wanted and needed was someone to talk to and how alone she felt?

    I just wish i had dropped her a note or commented or...something.

    Rebecca had so much strength and so much hurt...

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    1. it makes me sad as well. my hope is that people will do better. they will NOT just assume that someone else is checking in. they will not just assume that because they haven't heard from someone who is facing what she faced, day in, day out, that no news is good news. they will not be so lazy and not actively work on their friendships. I know that I won't be. be well.

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    2. I just re-read my reply to john christopher and it occurs to me that it sounded like I was calling you out specifically. that was definitely not my intention. it was meant for the "royal"you as in all of us.

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  2. Re: the role of caregiver, it is a very difficult situation. You want to - and must - care for your loved one and yet you are constantly walking a tightrope between caring for and intrusion... and sometimes you must intrude in order to care! There is no easy way to care for someone who is very sick, just as there is no easy to be the sick person.

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  3. The smothering aspect is a constant theme around cancer 'kids' and their parents.I have read blogs where even young children complain "Mom, stop looking at me like that.You're always looking at me." Up to teens who want to move away from their parents.I can't imagine being a caregiver, feeling helpless, wishing you could take the stupid disease away and only being there to comfort. Thank you for sharing these, they round out the picture we had of Bec's in our minds.I hope you are 'ok' too-as much as one can be 'ok' who is grieving.

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