You think you get it. You are being empathetic. You try. You attempt. Make an effort.
But you don't know. You can't know. And honestly, even if I could accurately make you feel how I feel, I wouldn't want to inflict that on anyone.
You can think about me.
You can have sympathetic conversations with me.
You can feel outrage or despair at my expense.
You can try to do little things to help.
But you can't know.
You can want to take it all away. Or do it all for me.
But you can't know.
I wake up with it.
sleep with it.
eat breakfast with it.
shower with it.
Drink with it.
Walk my dog with it.
Answer my phone with it.
Scratch my nose with it.
I buy books online with it.
I make fun of fat kids with it.
I live it
breath it
eat it
wear it
cuss at it
use it.
I am it.
and you are not. And so you can't know.
I am not talking to you. Though I know I'll get comments and/or emails to that nature.
No. No I am not talking to you. I'm talking to you though. And probably you too. But don't worry, not you over there.
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Sometimes life is realer than we would like it to be.
ReplyDeleteI ask myself, if what is happening to you happened to me, how would i handle it. probably not very well. We have all have our load to carry, some of physical, some mental. If i could id take your cancer from you and carry it myself.
XO
ReplyDeleteYou? Bitter? I'll bet that comes in small doses. You're too spectacular to stay bitter for long. I know you know how much I admire your cute little babe self!
ReplyDeleteI bet it helps a little to write that down and send it to the blog-world - kind of like burning all those love letters from the idiot that dumped me way back when...
ReplyDeleteHowever, I get it. It sucks to think that I may not see my daughter through high school, that I will not dance at my many nieces/nephews' weddings, that "it" is f-ing with my head all the time...
Bitter is a fine taste every once in a while, but we need to balance it with tang, and sweet, and salty, and sour, and hot-hot-hot. I am glad you can write about these things, and pray that the writing is a form of closure and opening. We can't afford to wallow in the bitterness, we can't let it do that to us and through us.
Please.
Bitter is a big part of it, for me anyway, but it's only part of what is being said here. I hear another message, among others, "Don't even think you can experience this vicariously!"
ReplyDeleteOh well, it's not pleasant and very very personal.
Daring to express....
Becca,
ReplyDeleteI saw in the 09 Colondar that Heather passed away last August. I found your blog looking for the date. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I had the Colondar in my closet opened to DEC -- Heather this month. This sucks. I am happy you wrote about her.
How are you doing?? medically and mentally? You don't have to respond if the questions are too personal.
take care,
Frank
Clive IA
Becca,
ReplyDeleteI saw in the 09 Colondar that Heather passed away last August. I found your blog looking for the date. I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I had the Colondar in my closet opened to DEC -- Heather this month. This sucks. I am happy you wrote about her.
How are you doing?? medically and mentally? You don't have to respond if the questions are too personal.
take care,
Frank
Clive IA
It was very interesting for me to read the article. Thanks for it. I like such themes and everything connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.
ReplyDelete