I cannot fart. The title of this blog used to be "I shall never fart again."
And I keep forgetting to do a blog as to the specifics of why I can't. But, the long and short of it is, I don't have any lower intestine left. They've removed all of the colon, rectum, and anus. Yea, i know, i didn't know it was possible to remove THAT part.
Sooooo, that has all been removed, and to take up the role of the colon, they made a "pouch" or internal resevoir if you will, from my small intestine (which you have LOTS more of than your large).
That pouch holds everything I eat, til I choose (or IT chooses...those of you that know me know who Stella is, and what she demands of me) to empty it. And why am I briefing you on all this you may ask??
Great question. (actually, not such a great question considering you're reading a blog titled I am not an asshole) BUUTTTT...I tell you this, so that questions will start to bubble up in your mind. I certainly did not think of all the ramifications of this surgery, and perhaps that's a good thing.
One thing that very quickly became obvious to me, that may not be as appreciated by everyone out there...is the ability to just rip a big ol' fart.
Hell, maybe not even a big ol' fart. Just a plain little noiseless one. Or a gurgly juicy one, or one that makes you question whether things inside you are dying. Whatever it is, just the sheer act of passing gas. My oh my what a joy that is.
Since I can no longer do this, I miss it terribly. That's not to say that I was just some huge gas-bag that you couldn't take out in public, but who was great fun at parties.
I was your typical girl. Girls never farted. Pfff...
No, I denied it everytime. I didn't speak of it. I tried to go in other rooms, or the bathroom if I needed to. And maybe my denial of this ingenious body function has lead to this sort of gaseous karma, in which it has been snatched forever from my grips. Never again to bless me with the immediate satisfaction and relief achieved only by releasing that noxious air.
At this point, again, you may be asking yourself: Why am I not only briefing you on this, but going into way too much detail about it?
A couple weekends ago, I am proud to say, for the first time in over 12 months, I finally got to fart, thanks to a wonderful gift from my rockin' Colondar model co-hort, (miss april) Paula Ries.
You cannot begin to know how excited this gift made me.
but in order to attempt to illustrate my exuberance....
Yes...FLARP! fart in a jar. Noise putty. Now granted, this itty bitty jar of gassy fun, could have a bit more bass and resonance to it, but when you haven't let one loose in over a year, anything will do.
it's basically like silly putty, and you just push it into the jar and it makes varying fartlike noises.
Now. Important lessons I have learned from this little jar of farts....
1) Surgeons and Oncologists do NOT appreciate when you make fart noises during their seminars and lectures. Even if it IS at a colon cancer-related event. pfff...
2) Farting noises will not force your cab driver to turn off the ungodly icey and unnecessary air conditioner.
3) When you haven't farted in over a year...you have a lot of catching up to do. Allow yourself plenty of uninterrupted quality fart-time to satisfy your gas-passed deprived soul.
4) Fart jar putty does not come out of tableclothes so well.
Well, I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to share my little jar of joy with you anonymous folk of the internet, but...in the very odd and strange event you find yourself knowing someone who's fart-deprived, you have just found your answer. FLARP!