journal 3-12-2000

haven't posted anything of bec's in a while. her documentary has had it's unofficial launch and now that that event is over, I can concentrate on other things. this is an entry from one of her many journals. this is pre-cancer. even then, she has a universal voice of her generation. mary b



I'm so frustratingly not happy all day I kept thinking how pointless everything is. nothing really has a purpose, in the long run. I mean, most of us don't make a dent in anything that would be classified as meaning anything.  I sound so hopeless. I sound negative as hell, but I just can't help it. I've been not happy for awhile. but I can't figure out what it is. I can't determine...which superficial reason it is. or which superficial reason will remedy it. I am frustrated. extremely frustrated and nothing to do about it. I wish I knew what to do? I know it will go away. but then again, it will probably come back. I think this is a form of depression. I'm just not happy. I don't see this physical or material shit helping or resolving anything at all. I have a clue that its an emotional , personal thing but I can't really point it out. I wish it would go away. I want to be oblivious. ignorance sure is bliss. I wish I had a little of that ignorance shit.  things can be so hypocritically complicated. it really makes me sick. I want to know? I want to know why, what, where, who and when of everything. shit. sucks. always.  ya, a big ball of contradictions. it really fits. the onset of a new job....didn't work. I haven't even been there a full 2 weeks and I already want to quit. I'm unhappy. but that's nothing new. the thing is, in the back of my mind, I knew I wouldn't find this the job of my dreams. I think I knew it but the part of me thought I could fit. I thought wholeheartedly that if I wanted it and I tried, I could just fit myself in the role ( the salon is really drama, everyone's an actor) but instead, I find myself where I inevitably knew and feared I would be, A rock and a hard place.I hate this job but I see no options for me. I see no job I want to really be at. I see no place I can be. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do. I really wish I could just be. I want to do productive things, but not because I have to, to get my, but because I want to, or god forbid, like to. oh boy, decisions, dilemmas, problems, issues, indecision, unsure, hopeless, helpless, all a bunch of fun.
why in the hell am I only 19 and this unhappy? shouldn't I just be out partying all the time? why do I over analyze things to death? I think and I think and I think things to death. nothing is what I want or expect. nothing is fulfilling...nothing is right.
I hate all of this and I hate feeling like this. it's this kind of nagging helpless, depressing, stressed, confused, frustrated feeling, I can't seem to find a good or right answer.
I hate being alone. or feeling like I'm alone because no one can help me and no one sees it like I see it or feels what I feel. I want a damn soul mate. I want him now! I want someone to sit next to at night and be wrapped in their arms and feel like things are okay at that moment. no matter how empty the words are, I want someone to tell me, "it'll be okay" and make me feel that's true! I'm only 19!! why is this an issue at all, let alone a big issue? this shit sucks ass!!