being alone ans scared and missing rodney dec 2010

this is a fb message to a fairly well-known "cancer-lebrity". after bec's cancer-soulmate and confidant, rodney, died, there was a massive void in her world. she reached out to those whom she hoped could help her fill that void. she never talked to me about dying. she always wanted to spare me any worry....as if!




have you guys done stupid cancer shows about terminal patients? death, all that?

do you know anyone currently, young, and with that kind of diagnosis that perhaps is a good chatty person? i'm sorta in a huge freakout mode here and i just don't know what to do/think/say etc.

not that anyone told me i'm terminal. noone told me to get ready to die soon. but nothing has been going my way (to put it mildly and cutely) and after pretty much 5 years of having to deal with this, i've actually come to a point where its harder and harder to keep holding on to that good ol' hope idea. i am strong, and a fighter, and all that, but it'd be nice to every now n then just have a bone thrown to me. y'know. just gimmie a slight inkling that its not as bad as my minds' eye sees every time i get a second to let my mind wander.

i had a really really good friend that had stage 4 colon cancer i grew really close to. he passed away in august. since he's been gone i've come to realize not just that i was really close to him but that he was pretty much the ONLY...literally the absolute only person on this earth that i could actually talk to in full...talk about all my thoughts, be they morbid, silly, sick, stupid, scary, whatever. i thought i had others who i could talk to like that (or maybe i thought i was so "open" and communicative of a person that i could find anyone to talk to in that manner) so since he's been gone i've realized just how untrue that was.

i know lots of survivors and current patients. but most everyone i know is either well past their treatments and diagnosis living much more cancer-free than i. or they're just undergoing treatments or surgery and things are going well enough and they weren't as severe as i apparently was (i guess i like to think i wasn't too bad off. maybe that was that good ol' hope i had so much of). so i find when i try to talk about the crazy things in my head i find they don't relate or can't relate or its just not appropriate to approach as a topic with them.

other "survivors" have gone through their share of crazy shit with cancer and surgeries and treatments. but they're not in the thick of it.  So if i wanted to turn to them and talk about my fear of one day getting up, and the next thing i know i'm rendered incapacitated by some side effect of the cancer and not being able to speak for myself and being stuck in a hospital on machines in a horrible state until i die...well, as soon as i open my mouth i shut it b/c they're such damn positive people, they're gonna give me an answer that (while may be a wonderful understanding nonjudgmental caring answer) will probably make me feel even worse or want to punch them in the face.
the friend that i lost in august, we could talk about these morbid types of things with all honesty and bluntness, i never felt or feared he'd think i was too pessimistic or whatever.
i've tried psychotherapist types when i was rediagnosed in 2008 and i hated it. i guess mostly b/c i knew this person would never give me the answers i wanted to hear (which was how i could be rid of this cancer permanently) so i never really looked into therapy shit again.
but i don't really know what to do. sit here with scary crazy thoughts in my head that i can't share with the only person i could consider close to me at this moment (which is my mom) b/c i don't want to worry or scare her anymore than i know she is.
i just thought...you know, for once, imerman angels isn't gonna be of use to me. i don't want to hear from someone who's been there and made it to the other end rah-rah yay go team go! kinda shit.
i need to be able to talk to people who A) aren't going to feel bad for me or god forbid say the line "well, i know its no where near or can't compare to what you are going through or must be feeling right now, but..."
(i absolutely HAATTTEEE when people, even cancer survivors i know, put that in ANY part of our conversation)
and B) truly honestly know what i'm talking about. I dont have a husband or kids of my own. so i don't have the "i must be brave and fight to stay alive to see my kids grow up, or to grow old with my husband"
i'm young, single, i never got to have a career, i never got to do half the things many people feel entitled to (own a home, have a new car, follow my lifes dream, be married, have kids, pursue a passion, blah blah blah)
i talk to so many survivor types or current patient-types who even though they are young, i cannot relate to them whatsoever. i'm covered in tattoos. i grew up going to hip hop shows. i live in the middle of the city with a roommate. i've never lived in any other place but here. i've never owned a car within the same decade that we are in. grew up poor, pretty much have always been eeking on middle class. was the first child to get a college degree (and i'm the youngest in my fam, two older brothers, well....)
barely anyone i've met relates to me much.
sorry. i did not intend this to be so long, i swear. its like word vomit. it just pours out of me sometimes when i least expect it :)
anyway. the basic gist of this mssg was just, do you know anyone that i may be able to connect with?

sincerely

Me.

fb messages being forgotten

this is a response to a facebook message after bec had cussed out someone who she felt was ignoring her.  the person who sent her the message was asking if he/she was also guilty of ignoring her and this was her response to them.( from march 21, 2011.) the theme of this and so many other messages was how alone she felt...all the time. it breaks my heart. she was very vocal about how she felt when she didn't hear from her friends for weeks and sometimes months at a time. so even though the tone of this (and many many more texts, e-mails and fb messages) was one of anger and bitterness towards her friends, the thing to take away from this is...to do better in the future! to remember that you may have friends out there who are struggling... that are alone...that are stuck in their heads and maybe need some diversion...that are scared and feel forgotten by a world that has past them by.  how it doesn't REALLY take a whole lot of effort to brighten someone's day. LET THAT BE THE LESSON HERE!---mom.



" i was in no way talking to probably over half of my fb friends...i mean, hell, you don't live anywhere near me, i wouldn't expect anything more than all your wonderful bacony-posts.

Its the ACTUAL people that i've known since long before facebook ever existed...people who could very easily pop over to my place...those people who, when confronted on how come i haven't seen or heard from them lately, say things like "oh, i just know that you're probably overwhelmed with people trying to do things for you or whatever, i don't want to be pushy or anything" or "i think about you constantly, you're always in my heart"...bullshit.

the two friends names that i mentioned in my status (about the bestest friends i have these days are two people i barely knew a few years ago) they are friends who actually check in with just a text or something, almost every day. they ask whats going on today, or how i'm feeling, or how such n such procedure went. Not with me having to prod them to do that. not by me having to post things publically on FB for them to know maybe they should check in on me. And thats what i have real issue with...is that so-called "friends" these days have gotten so lazy they don't bother to check in on someone themselves on their own accord anymore, no, everyone instead just gets on fb and if they happen to see an update, THEN they go send that text or make that phone call. which is why i barely ever say shit on FB anymore. It helps me narrow in on who's an actual friend. Lets take for instance my actual "best friend" (at this point, thats just a label or a title they hold, i'd barely consider them that) has no idea that a week and a half ago i had a drain tube inserted into my asscheek (yea...not my asshole, where at least there's already a hole to start with, but into the flesh of my butt cheek) to drain fluid thats been collecting in my pelvis, and then i had to keep it in since then, therefore having to stay at home b/c i can't even sit down normally, so i've been off work this whole time, sitting at home alone for the majority of the time til my mom gets off work and comes by my place to keep me company, and has no idea that yesterday blood started coming from the drain into the leg bag OR that three days before that i was in the ER cuz of another complication with it. You know how many people know any of that? i can give you an actual number. 10...TEN?!

that number is made up of:

1) my mom

2) my manager

3) my boss

4) friend jessica

5) friend sanj

6) cousin katie

7) cousin jenny

8) girl who i only know from online b/c she had cancer,

9) girl who i only know from online b/c she has ostomy.

10) my roommate



Heh, and you know what? if i had even made any teeny effort to make a status update about ANY of it...you know how many texts n emails i woulda been getting? but i didn't really feel like talking about my ass drain. So i didn't. and then it became an interesting sociological study. and THEN it just became a 'thing' for me. Like a test...or a proving ground. Without any of these so-called friends even knowing about it. Yea, yea, yea, i get it, people have lives. people are busy. But it really doesn't take too much outta your busy day to spontaneously check in on, or say hey to, your friend. (i even have a friend who claims to be just so close to me, i've known them since we were in 8th grade, that they have my initials tattooed in the middle of the colon cancer awareness star symbol, on their chest (its about the size, diameter-wise, of a softball. so, not small.)

And do ya think i have even heard from them at all in the past month or so?....nah. pfff.

anywho, sorry this is so long. I just figured, i could vent to you about my irritation at friends not being friends, without offending you. i mean, you and i both know that while we have alot in common in some ways..yea, we're just facebook friends. and i dont expect you to be bending over backwards to be supportive to me. I like our communication. its fun and uncomplicated. (and thankfully, NOT always about cancer. Cuz there's only so much that i want to always be talking about cancer, i think about it enough as it is.) I appreciate you have other humor to share with me.



but damn...these so-called friends of mine that are here in town...they leave something to be desired these days



well...hope your enjoying your day, guess what i'm about to finish eating?? chicken fried bacon! awww yea baby! (its my treat to myself after my doc appt today. a bucket of chicken fried bacon and a bag of deep fried pickle chips (gotta love those hole-in-the-wall hot dog joints,) always find great "horrible for your diet" foods that are PERFECT for my skinny 100 lb self who's trying to put on some weight.

random thoughts

from her journal...I have spent alot of time wondering who she was talking to that made her feel better. whoever you are...thank you.--mom

had a good talk last night. I didn't say things exactly how I would to myself, but I did get some things out. It doesn't make anything better but it does make me not as alone. I don't think anyone could really guess or comprehend the depths of scary-talk I can get into in my head. even if I allude to it. (assume this is also unfinished but who knows)

being forgotten

march 2011. lonliness and being alone, except for me, day in and day out, was really weighing on bec over the last 1 1/2 years.  this is a response to a fb message from an on-line friend that she had never actually net in person. again, the thing for her friends to take away from this is, do better in the future for those you love.--mom

"hahah, i have never been cancer free in the 5 yrs since being diagnosed.


i just make having cancer look good i guess. maybe thats part of the problem. people can't really imagine me as being mere moments away from death at any given time (which, theoretically i am, no matter how dramatic it sounds). i've been on chemotherapy in some form or another consistently. sometimes its a treatment i get every two weeks, when i got real lucky once on one particular drug, it was once every three weeks...that didn't last long tho. the most recent treatment plan, i had to go in EVERY single friday. i suppose that aaaaallll those dear close friends of mine who were always saying "if you ever want company at chemo, or need anything from me, please tell me" i suppose EVERY week just was a bit too inconvenient for them.

i'm fine. and i'll be fine i'm sure. its just kinda funny that i can use FB as a way to unknowingly 'test' certain people (i mean, of course people whom I've met on-line ...while you guys mean a TON to me, b/c of course you guys are some of the only people that truly understand the whole intestines thing, and if i have to freak out about something kpouch related, well hell, i dont know where i'd be without your help...but i'm more refering to those friends on here who i've known long before FB ever existed, etc)

but its funny to me...i've noticed that if i keep quiet on FB, and don't put up status's like "keep me in your thoughts/prayers tomorrow for this big test/procedure i have!" kinda things, that certain people are so barely in my life anymore, they don't have a clue if i dont post about it on FB or send out a mass email. I only started to realize this b/c as of late i've just gotten tired of having to feel obligated to keep everyone in my social circle 'up to date' on me. Y'know, everyone always says "well, keep me posted on how things go" etc. So i felt obligated to send out these big ol' group emails, OR post things to FB about whatever the very latest updates where. And when i started to get tired of doing that (mostly cuz i was tired of saying the same things over n over, and i've recently been avoiding talking about cancer except to my doctor as much as possible. but the less i updated, the less i heard from so-called "good friends". Then I realized, "Oh, Its b/c they aren't even bothering to do their OWN checking in on me. So if I'm not updating them, then they apparently think everything must be peachy with me. And over all that, I realized that just in general, i barely hear from some people i used to consider very close friends. Hence the start of the tone in my status update.

its' all just me being moody...but also being realistic. its been five years that i've been dealing with cancer, so its not that i'm not used to the different ways that people react to it, and to losing and also gaining people you wouldn't expect. but as of late, it seems like its just about EVERYone around me thats gone...everyones got a busy busy life. and mine is just right here at a standstill...continuously in treatment, therefore unable to make any upward movement in my life. but hey...i'm still alive, so apparently, according to doctors, THAT should be good enough for me. heh. suuuurrree...

 with all the crap i have going on right now (the most current issue has to do with some fluid collecting in my pelvis, and this cavity or absess that seems to have opened up in the pelvis. so they put a drain tube in my buttcheek...yes, the actual fleshy cheek..not my buttHOLE, but the cheek. and attached to a leg bag. it was draining off the fluid, but then it started to drain out urine, and i was unable to pee the normal way, and now they're talkin bout if the antibiotics and keeping this drain in, doesn't allow whatever fistula is there to heal up on its own i may end up with bi-lateral nephrostomy drains/bags permanently...i think that'd be the worst case from this particular scenario) but with all of that...my kpouch? still just beautiful. working like a champ. i only empty once, maaaaybe twice a day. for me, that was unheard of. but hell...i'll take it! heh."

..

a soul lost..

this is a journal entry from 2010. one of the most heartwrenching things for me to watch was HOW MUCH cancer changed her. she turned in to a quivering mass of fears and worries. that was not her way prior to getting sick. people just had NO IDEA of the crazy that was going on in her head whenever she was left alone for too long. no doubt that cancer changes people. but some people just hide it better than others, I guess. she missed her old self as much as I did.--mom

              a soul lost...
once upon a time, long, long ago, I was a different person. I used to write. I wrote of love & sadness & outrage. I day-dreamed, I fantasized, I embellished, I analyzed. I don't know where that person went. I think about her often. I miss the way she laughed when someone sneezed. I miss how pouty she got first thing in the morning. I miss her ability to ignore you one minute & obsess over you the next. I miss watching her sit & push paint around a canvas w/a brush for literally hours on end & not ever realize the day's gone. I miss how giddy & excited she's get after seeing a good movie & how inspired the right song could make her. I wonder where she went & why she left. it's like the going got tough, so she got going. and it's worse that losing a close friend. they always say you find out who your real friends are when you go through a major tragedy. but I never expected to lose a perfectly good soul, too.

fb message from a far away place

 bec and her writing touched a lot of people from many different places. this is just one of many messages i found from far away places.--mom

from a far place
Dear Becca, I wonder if I'm ur first contact from Beirut Lebanon .

Praying that you will be fine and hope u will visit our part of the world. Loved your blog and spent hours reading and appreciating

December 28, 2009
Becca Babcock..
Sorry took so long to get back, I dont always get my facebook notifications. But yes, I think you must be the only person from Beirut who knows of me! :) However did you find me?

Either way, I love that you found me, its so cool to know that not only am i NOT alone with my thoughts..but that its universal. World wide.

the only experience i have with Lebanon is this awesome little restaurant near my house called "Taste of Lebanon" that has the best food ever! :
So tell me about yourself?

Becca

..

December 29, 2009Rami
Dear Becca, I never thought you would reply. As to how I found you, its pure chance: I was bored one day and looking into some pictures of a friend, Dr.%$^&*,  who is planning to move from the U.S. back to Beirut and i think i clicked on one of the pics and then on your face because i thought it was an interesting one!  I remember i was dead sleepy but had to click on your blog, curious me. I have to confess i could not sleep that night just thinking what a couragous lady you are.
I just want to tell you that since you like our food, you will love our Lebanon. its so different than anything you have seen. Food, culture, people and nature that will blow your mind. so, if you ever plan to be adventurous, our home is ur home smack in the middle of Beirut with a nice sea view. Im dead serious about this!
I look forward to be ur friend and just let me know if you do know @#$% or it was just a cosmic coincidence
Rami


May 14, 2010Rami
Beautiful Becca..read ur blog update and i just want to remind you that when you kick this thing out, you are invited, as long as you want to Lebanon. You will love it and will be staying at our place and i will make sure to show you all the cool places and wildest outings at night, the great food and wonderful people. I will take a vacation and discover it with you again. You can ask @#$%  Lebanon is waiting for u and Im dead serious. Get well. Rami,

.May 14, 2010Becca Babcock

Thank you so much Rami! I'm so sorry, I'm terrible about replying to messages (hehe, I read them in my email when I get the email notification, and then always forget to click through to the actual facebook site!)
I really am so very very ready to just be WELL! Eventually. One Day. I know.
 I will no doubt contact you if I can ever get my "Becca's World Tour" going! if i ever get out of the doctors office long enough!
my best,

Becca

..

May 14, 2010Rami
Truly, honestly and from my heart i adore you and you are on my mind and we will have a lot of fun hopefully  Thanks for your message, u made my day :)

..April 19, 2011Rami
did not want to share on your wall.. but that wacky guy in Lebanon (me), ist hinking of you and dreaming of the day when your doc will give you a spanking and tell you that all is ok and not to visit again. My invitation to our sunny Lebanon is still open. you will love it

..

April 23, 2011Becca Babcock

:) Thank you so much Rami. heh, you and me both dream of that day. And well, who knows? Do you believe in miracles? Wish i did.
Y'know, bout a month or so ago my passport expired. Gotta renew that before i can do anything. But, yes, I still kept your open invitation in mind :)
thanks again,

Becca

(oh, and yes, thanks for not posting empty statements on my wall. tho, to be fair, I rarely am even on facebook...not nearly as much as i used to be. i find i get really annoyed at hearing of everyones' happy lives. even their unhappiness looks WAY more appealing than MY unhappiness. pfff, go figure.)




..



.

fear and loathing

sept 2011. this short little post was before the hemorrhaging and before the label of "inoperable" was stamped on bec's forehead.

"meh.


man. i wanna say i'm up for fighting, and all that. But gggoooooodddamn. they REALLY know how to make a girl not feel like she's got any hope.

i met with gyne onc on friday, and he told me about all the various 'tests' i'll have to pass in order to even be a candidate for the surgery and that most people don't ever pass them.

and then if they do...well, than i'm still faced with the "how are you guys gonna make me able to pee" decision.

four surgeons, one gyne, 2 colorectal, and one urological surgeon.

fucking yay.

i'm just at a mental breaking point. i mean...in one respect, i'm like "BRING IT THE FUCK ON!" i am sick and fucking tired of cancer. period. and if THIS is the only option they give me, than bring it. and cancer is going the fuck down.

but for the most part, i'm just extremely scared. i hate the unknown.

and for the past 5 years i've been one giant unknown.

:/
B"

more about rodney.

this is another response to a woman who bec never actually met in person. she was rodney's best friend. this was written as he was nearing his end. rodney's death hit her harder than anybody's. she never got over his loss.--mom.


heyo,


sorry, i read your response in my email (not actually logging into fb) and i was sorta responding to you in my head...not in text...haha, aahhh...i'll blame chemo brain.

Anywho, i understand your attachment to rodney. its not often you get those relationships where its not a lusty-love thing, its not a pity-love thing, its not a guilty-love thing, its just a genuine attachment to another human being. You guys "get" each other, even when it doesn't seem like it. I'm so happy he has a friend like you. i've been able to witness his quirkiness firsthand, and i simply adore it. so i know where you're coming from. its hard for me to "sell" him to someone (like, when he was coming to visit and friends asked me "so who's this guy thats' coming?" and i'd have to go..."well, he's a guy...he's cool...trust me on that one, even if it may not seem like it at first" hahaha)

You remind me alot of a friend of mine (rodney's met her) named Jessica Lester (i just call her mo'lester for short. and to piss her off). I haven't known her nearly as long as some of my closer friends, but in a short matter of time we became super close. she's kinda quirky. in a super bubbly cheery kinda way, in which i am not. and she's a bit eccentric, popular, but not always in the in-crowd. i'm quite fond of her. and she's become fiercely loyal, supremely concerned, and intimately involved with my health and general well-being.

she moved to quatamala over the late summer/fall, for an internship, and she'd mssg me or text me damn near every day asking how i was, how were my blood counts that day, whats going on, and that she missed me(us) (my mom is her fav as well).

i'm sad to say, my supposed best friend barely ever mssg's me to just see how i am! (i'm wonder to myself why i even call her that sometimes, i swear that chic is barely ever around. though i guess history does play some role)

anywho, you and jessica...i think you guys serve similar roles to me and rodney.

as for rodney, yea he told me he was taking the train back for a doc appt. but he said he was coming back to your place soon. that makes me happy. i hate to think of him just being alone with his tumors. I'm greatly distressed by these tumors he is saying he's feeling bust through. thats insanity. i dont even know what to think about it. i mean, it affects me on a few different levels. at a deep level, its scares the shit out of me. its so close to home. hell, he could be me. i could be him. i mean, i know there are slightly different factors to each of our cases, but when you boil it down, its like i'm looking my own fate in the mirror. And on another human level, i love that crotchety grump. i hate to think of what he's going through that he barely lets on to us. i understand why he doesn't. he doesn't want us stressing and worrying and obsessing when he knows we can't do much to help. i know he would rather not be a center of attention, so i know that he's sometimes more comfortable trying to be matter-of-fact about things. but it just kills me that he's gotten to this point of seemingly accepting things and not having hope. i mean, hell, i barely have threads of hope anymore, but for some reason, in someone ELSE, i want them to have all the hope in the world. even when i know exactly how he feels. Rod n I share very similar feelings on being oddballs nowdays. about not relating to the rest of the people in our lives b/c we simply live a different reality than most of you do. even those of you who are very very very close to us. but other than sharing those views...i'm about as helpless as you when it comes to wanting to be able to DO something.

To be surprised is a gift.

i am not really sure if this was completed or not. and I don't really know who's phone number is at the bottom.---mom


You know what one of the most awful parts of cancer is? Knowledge.
Of course, that is an odd statement, because at first I would be inclined to say that is one of the gifts of cancer.
When trying to appease myself somehow with the thought of cancer and all that it entails, I would find a very small amount of comfort in certain knowledge that comes with diagnosis.
That knowledge includes things such as:
I KNOW the true meaning of the phrase "Life is Short"
I KNOW the importance of good friends and family.
I KNOW 847-570-2639

a little chemo poem

A is for avastin. I like it very much...mostly cuz it doesn't do very much (bad)
   I never see it coming and I don't see it going
   so pump me full of avastin, ever just a touch
B is for benadryl, it makes me a 'tard
   I can't move, I can't talk, I take it rather hard.
   If you wanna  see me being fairly loopy,
   let me chug some benadryl and babble til I'm droopy
C is for comptaser which stands for diarrhea
   how that works with no colon, I have no idea,
   it sounds like fun, sounds like a blast.
   but at least I won't have explosions out my ass!
E is for erbitux. this I fear is horrid.
   it's been called many names, so I'm not looking forward.
check back soon if I don't crash, and ask my opinion of the erbi-rash!

the audience (from rebecca's journal)

it's become clear that I'm not good at being very consistent. Um, at anything. needless to say, I go back and forth between writing in here (inconsistently)& writing on my online blog(inconsistently). the two have vastly different audiences. yes, I think about the "audience" to what I'm writing. the online blogs, obviously, able to be read by anyone who has access to a computer& the inclination to look me up. its read by people I've never met before. some of them leave their mark. or make their presence known & some just lurk in the murky darkness of the world wide web. now, my lil journal here...well, I just assume it has an audience. they just haven't found it or started reading yet. not that I plan on bringing this book in somewhere, publishing it. I just assume when I die this will be found( i don't try to really hide it, but, you get what I mean). someone will find it & inevitably read it. at least, some of it. I also would have to assume that would mean it would be someone I know. probably very meet someone tomorrow&they could ,over a relatively short time, become  very close with me & right now I have no idea who they are(oh, & in case you're curious at this point, I've just decided to become asexual. I feel its the most reasonable & emotionally cost-effective for my mental state. maybe elaborate more on that later.) so needless to say, sometimes I think about who will be reading this without my knowledge or consent. maybe I'll do something dramatic, like burn this in effigy. though, chances are better that I won't.
once, a long time ago, (i was maybe 12-ish) &read diary of ann frank. the biggest thing I remember about it was how awful it was that millions upon millions of absolute strangers were reading this little girl's private thoughts. I felt both sad for her & guilty of doing the very same thing. that thought comes back to me very often.
well before I was diagnosed & therefore while I was still "normal", I'd wonder if its strange or unnatural to think that people will find & maybe read this & that I should hurry it up! why hurry it up? cuz cancer is fickle. one never can be certain. I think often how I don't think I'll be alive very long. not like I think I may keel over, say, tomorrow. but unless a miracle happens very very soon, I feel inevitably, I'll be defeated :(  (incidentally, it's now tomorrow & I didn't keel over...). I sometimes wonder why i can't just get it easy & fall asleep one night &just not wake up? I wonder if people that has happened to, if they could ever appreciate how lucky they are to have that happen. they not only have no idea that's coming, they don't have to spend time agonizing over unfinished business, wrapping up loose ends, righting their wrongs, etc. however unlike, say, a car accident victim, or maybe someone caught by cross-fire that kills them, they (people that die in their sleep) don't have to worry about the pain and suffering associated w/a sudden violent death. man...I really envy those people.
anywho, I'm kinda just weary on life today. I can't wrap my mind around my life at this time. I don't seem able to find motivation in order to "care" about things. & in general...I'm just tired of people. normal people. they bother me without even trying or attempting to. oh, that, and it's back to cold.  BAH.

on turning 30 and having hope

I lost this journal after the last entry, right before this & just found it wedged between my bed and my wall (duh, what an obvious place) almost a year later and...I'M STILL HERE! surprise! just celebrated my 30th bday last weekend. HOLYSHIT...THIRTY!! fuckin' hell. didn't think I'd see the day. literally I had phases in the past year where I sincerely thought I wouldn't make 30. but true to stubborn becca-form, I made it here.
I don't know if I'm any better for it though.
I reconnected w/ a friend from college, miguel and after many long coffee-shop talks, he's inspired to do a quasi-documentary based off my blog. he's a crazy awesome film-maker. (award-winning, I suppose that's impressive) but more so than awards, he has got to be one of THE most charismatic men I've ever met. the man has an energy about him that is addictive and tangible and crazy-infectious! he somehow has me feeling that he "gets it". NOT that he knows how it feels to BE me but he damn sure has qualified into the area of empathy, that i'm comfortable he gets what I've been griping about. what's in my head may actually make it out to a large audience afterall. and if nothing else, being on film will somehow or another give me immortality. I guess I have subconciously been desiring a way to leave a mark somehow. why else would I have posed half naked in a calendar? how else would I explain blogging? we've been shooting since end of october/beginning of november. I've got an adorable bunch of young talented film-student crew. they're all amazing and it's been a fun new ride having them all a part of my life. I'm hoping in a couple of weeks to see a rough cut. it's awkward seeing yourself in film context. I think I play off very well. so far, I've loved what I've seen. wow, this entry almost sounds POSITIVE! go figure.

words from rebecca

rebecca died on march 24th. she fought to the bitter end. it is hard to put a judgement on that statement. would she have lived longer if she had stopped treatment? I think that may be true. but it was not my choice. so as I am cataloging and parcelling out what remains of all the stuff left behind, I am coming across things. writings and pictures and old home movies and facebook. i know she wasn't "done" yet. I am NOT surprised at what an influence she was on people she didn't even know. she took the role of cancerlebrity seriously, even though she found it burdensome at times. she was alone, unmotivated and tired in the last 1 1/2yrs. cancer became a full-time job and energy was finite.
I thought about hacking into this account and posting some of the writings I've found. it seems fitting somehow. her facebook page has been made public and there is a wide-spread outreaching from all over the world. so, if people are still following this, leave a comment of whether or not those words deserve to be heard, or were even meant to be heard. it is pretty raw stuff so far. may b hard to take. maybe not but either way she will be missed.